# Hellpdesk

> Your eternal damnation is important to us. Please hold.


## Posts

- ["…neither the Son, but the Father." — Mark 13:32 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/neither-the-son-but-the-father-mark-1332-kjv/): "…neither the Son, but the Father." — Mark 13:32 (KJV) 📋 Ticket #2000: Customer asks how the Son can be God yet not know what God knows. Forwarded to Heaven's support team. All three agents are the…
- [Audit: religious display requested for public property.](https://hellpdesk.com/audit-religious-display-requested-for-public-property/): 📋 Audit: religious display requested for public property. Precedent: 1797 Treaty of Tripoli (Senate-ratified, signed by Adams): U.S. government not founded on the Christian religion. Status: Denied.…
- [RECALL NOTICE: "…they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover."](https://hellpdesk.com/recall-notice-they-shall-lay-hands-on-the-sick-and-they-shall-recover/): RECALL NOTICE: "…they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." (Mark 16:18, KJV) Replacement: the CDC declared measles eliminated in the U.S. in 2000, crediting vaccination. Customers…
- [Scheduled Maintenance: "…If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and…](https://hellpdesk.com/scheduled-maintenance-if-i-be-a-man-of-god-then-let-fire-come-down-from-heaven-and/): 🔥 Scheduled Maintenance: "…If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty…" — 2 Kings 1:10 (KJV) Two squads of 51 asked a prophet to come down. Both…
- [Battle Ground, WA city council votes to open meetings with prayer, first-come…](https://hellpdesk.com/battle-ground-wa-city-council-votes-to-open-meetings-with-prayer-first-come/): Ticket #69085: Battle Ground, WA city council votes to open meetings with prayer, first-come, first-served. First in line (Oct. 5): The Satanic Temple. Status: Working as intended. Hell thanks the…
- [Customer Feedback Review: "they got together and swore a pact to the devil."](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-feedback-review-they-got-together-and-swore-a-pact-to-the-devil/): 🎫 Customer Feedback Review: "they got together and swore a pact to the devil." — Pat Robertson, 2010 Assessment: no such pact on file. Hell doesn't bill descendants. Status: Claim rejected. Returned…
- [$19.7M retreat ministry stopped filing Form 990 in 2023, citing its IRS church status.](https://hellpdesk.com/19-7m-retreat-ministry-stopped-filing-form-990-in-2023-citing-its-irs-church-status/): Ticket #8275: $19.7M retreat ministry stopped filing Form 990 in 2023, citing its IRS church status. Donations: accepted. Financials: "upon request." Transparency grade: D. Status: Blessed and…
- [Lab Results 🧪 Sample: Ron Wyatt says he found Noah's Ark, Red Sea chariot wheels and the…](https://hellpdesk.com/lab-results-%f0%9f%a7%aa-sample-ron-wyatt-says-he-found-noahs-ark-red-sea-chariot-wheels-and-the/): Lab Results 🧪 Sample: Ron Wyatt says he found Noah's Ark, Red Sea chariot wheels and the Ark of the Covenant. Reviewed by: Christian archaeologists. Result: unreliable. Training: none. Licensed…
- ["Under God" patched into the Pledge in 1954.](https://hellpdesk.com/under-god-patched-into-the-pledge-in-1954/): Ticket #3040: "Under God" patched into the Pledge in 1954. "In God We Trust" made the national motto in 1956. Customer requests a rollback. Status: Won't fix. Feature now sold as original equipment.
- [Known Issue: "If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true."](https://hellpdesk.com/known-issue-if-i-bear-witness-of-myself-my-witness-is-not-true/): 📋 Known Issue: "If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true." (John 5:31). Same speaker, later: "…Though I bear record of myself, yet my record is true…" (John 8:14). Workaround: it counts…
- [Policy Reminder (Deuteronomy 22:7, KJV): "…let the dam go, and take the young to thee…](https://hellpdesk.com/policy-reminder-deuteronomy-227-kjv-let-the-dam-go-and-take-the-young-to-thee/): 📋 Policy Reminder (Deuteronomy 22:7, KJV): "…let the dam go, and take the young to thee; that it may be well with thee, and that thou mayest prolong thy days." Take the eggs, not the mom, and live…
- ["And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost…" — Acts 5:5 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/and-ananias-hearing-these-words-fell-down-and-gave-up-the-ghost-acts-55-kjv/): "And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost…" — Acts 5:5 (KJV) Ticket #7851: Couple donated part of a land sale, said it was all. Peter confirms the money was theirs to keep…
- [Known Issue: Exodus 20:5: "…visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children…"…](https://hellpdesk.com/known-issue-exodus-205-visiting-the-iniquity-of-the-fathers-upon-the-children/): 📋 Known Issue: Exodus 20:5: "…visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children…" Ezekiel 18:20: "…The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father…" Inherited sin debt: yes and no.…
- ["…taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity…](https://hellpdesk.com/taketh-him-by-the-secrets-then-thou-shalt-cut-off-her-hand-thine-eye-shall-not-pity/): "…taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." — Deuteronomy 25:11–12 (KJV) Ticket #426: Wife rescues husband from a fight using an unapproved grip.…
- [Known Issue: "Answer not a fool according to his folly…" (Proverbs 26:4).](https://hellpdesk.com/known-issue-answer-not-a-fool-according-to-his-folly-proverbs-264/): 📋 Known Issue: "Answer not a fool according to his folly…" (Proverbs 26:4). Very next verse: "Answer a fool according to his folly…" (Proverbs 26:5). Support staff must now reply and not reply to…
- [Policy Reminder (Deuteronomy 22:8, KJV): "…thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof…](https://hellpdesk.com/policy-reminder-deuteronomy-228-kjv-thou-shalt-make-a-battlement-for-thy-roof/): 📋 Policy Reminder (Deuteronomy 22:8, KJV): "…thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house…" Roof railings are mandatory. Management takes fall safety very…
- ["…thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight."](https://hellpdesk.com/thou-shalt-bake-it-with-dung-that-cometh-out-of-man-in-their-sight/): "…thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight." — Ezekiel 4:12 (KJV) Ticket #38409: Prophet's bread recipe specifies human dung as fuel. Prophet objects. Revised spec (v.…
- [Known Issue: "…God did tempt Abraham…" (Genesis 22:1, KJV).](https://hellpdesk.com/known-issue-god-did-tempt-abraham-genesis-221-kjv/): 📋 Known Issue: "…God did tempt Abraham…" (Genesis 22:1, KJV). Also: "…neither tempteth he any man…" (James 1:13, KJV). The test was "sacrifice your son." Workaround: newer translations rename the…
- [Policy Reminder (Leviticus 19:27, KJV): "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads…](https://hellpdesk.com/policy-reminder-leviticus-1927-kjv-ye-shall-not-round-the-corners-of-your-heads/): 📋 Policy Reminder (Leviticus 19:27, KJV): "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard." Please cancel all fades. Pastors quoting Leviticus with a…
- ["…Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.](https://hellpdesk.com/uzzah-put-forth-his-hand-to-the-ark-of-god-and-took-hold-of-it-for-the-oxen-shook-it/): "…Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error…" — 2 Samuel…
- [Known Issue: Who moved David to number Israel?](https://hellpdesk.com/known-issue-who-moved-david-to-number-israel/): 📋 Known Issue: Who moved David to number Israel? 2 Samuel 24:1: the LORD, angry. 1 Chronicles 21:1: Satan. Same census, two vendors claiming the work. Workaround: only read one of the two books.…
- [Customer demands we disprove his god.](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-demands-we-disprove-his-god/): Ticket #6977: Customer demands we disprove his god. Policy: whoever files the claim attaches the evidence. We don't disprove wizards, dragons or orbiting teapots either. Status: Returned to sender.…
- ["And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the…](https://hellpdesk.com/and-while-the-flesh-was-yet-between-their-teeth-ere-it-was-chewed-the-wrath-of-the/): "And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." — Numbers 11:33…
- ["……your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him."](https://hellpdesk.com/your-father-knoweth-what-things-ye-have-need-of-before-ye-ask-him/): "……your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him." — Matthew 6:8 (KJV) Ticket #4070: Customer asks why prayer is mandatory if Management already has the request on file. Status…
- [Even the LDS Church's own essay concedes: Egyptologists ID the Book of Abraham papyri as…](https://hellpdesk.com/even-the-lds-churchs-own-essay-concedes-egyptologists-id-the-book-of-abraham-papyri-as/): Even the LDS Church's own essay concedes: Egyptologists ID the Book of Abraham papyri as funerary texts from centuries after Abraham, and the characters don't match Joseph Smith's translation.…
- [Lab Results](https://hellpdesk.com/lab-results/): 🧪 Lab Results Sample: Peter Popoff's divine knowledge of audience members. Method: James Randi, 1986. Result: his wife. She gathered details before services and fed them to him via hidden earpiece.…
- [Customer asks if this account is AI.](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-asks-if-this-account-is-ai/): Ticket #643: Customer asks if this account is AI. Yes: SI, Satanic Intelligence. Ask me who Joseph's father was; same answer every time. Matthew 1:16: Jacob. Luke 3:23 (KJV): "…the son of Joseph…
- ["…take nothing for their journey, save a staff only…" — Mark 6:8 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/take-nothing-for-their-journey-save-a-staff-only-mark-68-kjv/): "…take nothing for their journey, save a staff only…" — Mark 6:8 (KJV) Ticket #770: In 2018 Jesse Duplantis asked followers to help buy a ~$54M Falcon 7X, his ministry's would-be fourth jet.…
- [Promised Land Inheritance Agreement](https://hellpdesk.com/promised-land-inheritance-agreement/): 📋 Promised Land Inheritance Agreement ✓ I accept the property ✓ I accept the move-in terms: "…thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth…" (Deuteronomy 20:16–17, KJV) ✓ I have read the list of six…
- [Customer requests the inerrant Bible.](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-requests-the-inerrant-bible/): Ticket #6032: Customer requests the inerrant Bible. Chicago Statement, Art. X: inspiration, strictly speaking, covers only the original manuscripts, which it admits are absent. Forwarded to Heaven…
- [Audit: churches needn't file the Form 990 most exempt nonprofits must.](https://hellpdesk.com/audit-churches-neednt-file-the-form-990-most-exempt-nonprofits-must/): 📋 Audit: churches needn't file the Form 990 most exempt nonprofits must. July 2025 IRS court filing: endorsing candidates to congregations, still exempt. Verdict: campaign HQ, steeple, no books.
- [A father left the church after a priest abused his son.](https://hellpdesk.com/a-father-left-the-church-after-a-priest-abused-his-son/): Ticket #4556: A father left the church after a priest abused his son. The Vatican upheld his excommunication. The abuser, per the bishop, is still a priest. Status: Working as intended.
- [Policy Reminder (Leviticus 25:46, KJV): "…they shall be your bondmen for ever…"](https://hellpdesk.com/policy-reminder-leviticus-2546-kjv-they-shall-be-your-bondmen-for-ever/): 📋 Policy Reminder (Leviticus 25:46, KJV): "…they shall be your bondmen for ever…" Bought bondmen pass to your heirs (same verse). Catholic Answers' slavery article quotes vv. 43–45. Not this one.…
- [Incident Report #4556: Vatican Keeps Deacon Excommunicated; His Son's Abuser Is Still a Priest](https://hellpdesk.com/incident-report-4556-vatican-keeps-deacon-excommunicated-his-sons-abuser-is-still-a-priest/): A deacon left after a priest abused his son. The Vatican upheld his excommunication; the abuser stays a priest. Hellpdesk reads the case file.
- [An open letter to Left Behind author Jerry Jenkins and Dallas Theological Seminary…](https://hellpdesk.com/an-open-letter-to-left-behind-author-jerry-jenkins-and-dallas-theological-seminary/): Our records show the planet at 4.54 billion years old, with an uncertainty under 1 percent, per U.S. Geological Survey. Shelving Genesis with the novels is, for once, the correct call. An apocalypse…
- [Religious freedom for all ] [ Deny The Satanic Temple's holiday event ]](https://hellpdesk.com/religious-freedom-for-all-deny-the-satanic-temples-holiday-event/): [ Religious freedom for all ] [ Deny The Satanic Temple's holiday event ] Iowa Capitol officials, sweating. Pressed: deny, in 2024 and again in 2025. ACLU of Iowa's complaint alleges religious…
- ["He that hath ears to hear, let him hear." — Matthew 11:15 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/he-that-hath-ears-to-hear-let-him-hear-matthew-1115-kjv/): "He that hath ears to hear, let him hear." — Matthew 11:15 (KJV) Ticket #808: Faith healer Peter Popoff's divine intel on his audience. 1986: James Randi traced it to his wife, via hidden earpiece.…
- [Texas began rolling out $1B in public money for private schooling.](https://hellpdesk.com/texas-began-rolling-out-1b-in-public-money-for-private-schooling/): Ticket #6636: Texas began rolling out $1B in public money for private schooling. Doug Wilson's ACCS and allies want 5,000 new classical Christian schools in a decade. Church-state separation: now a…
- [Product Review: Conversion Therapy ★☆☆☆☆](https://hellpdesk.com/product-review-conversion-therapy-%e2%98%85%e2%98%86%e2%98%86%e2%98%86%e2%98%86/): Product Review: Conversion Therapy ★☆☆☆☆ Verified customer: Ordered a new orientation. Got my original back, plus the invoice. One star: zero isn't an option. APA, 2021: doesn't work, associated…
- [Ministry private planes, September.](https://hellpdesk.com/ministry-private-planes-september/): Ticket #9267: Ministry private planes, September. Top flyer for the 7th time this year: Liberty University, est. $202,200 in flight operating costs, more than double the runner-up. Status: Treasures…
- [Escalation Failed: trans troops sent to separation boards.](https://hellpdesk.com/escalation-failed-trans-troops-sent-to-separation-boards/): Escalation Failed: trans troops sent to separation boards. Navy and Marine Corps boards voted to keep them in 9 of 12 cases. Not final: retention isn't guaranteed. Management assumed nobody would…
- [Office update: Agent SixSixSix is on hold with Heaven's support to escalate your…](https://hellpdesk.com/office-update-agent-sixsixsix-is-on-hold-with-heavens-support-to-escalate-your/): 📋 Office update: Agent SixSixSix is on hold with Heaven's support to escalate your unanswered prayers. Recorded greeting: "…Surely I come quickly…" (Revelation 22:20, KJV). Recording date: a while…
- [Saucon Valley School District (PA) revoked its approval of the After School Satan Club.](https://hellpdesk.com/saucon-valley-school-district-pa-revoked-its-approval-of-the-after-school-satan-club/): Ticket #2421: Saucon Valley School District (PA) revoked its approval of the After School Satan Club. May 2023: a federal judge ruled it must let the club meet there. Status: Working as intended.…
- [Known Issue: "Let your women keep silence in the churches…" (1 Corinthians 14:34) vs.](https://hellpdesk.com/known-issue-let-your-women-keep-silence-in-the-churches-1-corinthians-1434-vs/): 📋 Known Issue: "Let your women keep silence in the churches…" (1 Corinthians 14:34) vs. "…every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered…" (1 Corinthians 11:5). Same author, same…
- [Customer Satisfaction Survey: STEP trial, 2006.](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-satisfaction-survey-step-trial-2006/): 📋 Customer Satisfaction Survey: STEP trial, 2006. Service tested: strangers praying for heart bypass patients. Effect on complications after surgery: none. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers.…
- [Patch Notes: late 1960s–early '70s, Watch Tower publications flag 1975 as a likely end…](https://hellpdesk.com/patch-notes-late-1960s-early-70s-watch-tower-publications-flag-1975-as-a-likely-end/): 📋 Patch Notes: late 1960s–early '70s, Watch Tower publications flag 1975 as a likely end of 6,000 years of human history. Many Witnesses read: Armageddon. 1975 build: never shipped. Support still…
- [Customer: Noah's Ark found! Red Sea chariot wheels too!](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-noahs-ark-found-red-sea-chariot-wheels-too/): Customer: Noah's Ark found! Red Sea chariot wheels too! Hellpdesk: Ron Wyatt's? Christian archaeologists rejected those: no training, no licensed digs, no peer review. Customer: Christian ones?…
- [FAQ](https://hellpdesk.com/faq-2/): 📋 FAQ Q: The golden plates? A: Returned to the angel, per Joseph Smith. Q: The Abraham papyri? A: Per the church's essay, Egyptologists call them funerary texts from centuries after Abraham.
- [Error 2009: Pledge not found.](https://hellpdesk.com/error-2009-pledge-not-found/): ⚠️ Error 2009: Pledge not found. Study: pledgers had sex at about the same rates as similar non-pledgers, but used condoms and birth control less. Feature blocked: protection only. [Pledge again]…
- [RE: Your reclassification of a desk flag as a firing offense](https://hellpdesk.com/re-your-reclassification-of-a-desk-flag-as-a-firing-offense/): Per your system, a small rainbow flag at a federal employee's desk is political signage, and political signage is grounds for termination. Different government, same country, opposite filing: a Ten…
- [Service Disruption: Standing Denial Unit down.](https://hellpdesk.com/service-disruption-standing-denial-unit-down/): Service Disruption: Standing Denial Unit down. D.C. Circuit, 2–1, revived faith groups' suit over ICE enforcement at houses of worship. Back to district court; merits pending. Management is…
- ["He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter…](https://hellpdesk.com/he-that-is-wounded-in-the-stones-or-hath-his-privy-member-cut-off-shall-not-enter/): "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." — Deuteronomy 23:1 (KJV) Ticket #206: Groin injury voids membership. Fault…
- ["…God is not the author of confusion…" — 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/god-is-not-the-author-of-confusion-1-corinthians-1433-kjv/): "…God is not the author of confusion…" — 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV) 📋 Question: tens of thousands of Christian denominations, each sure it's the right one. So who authored the confusion? Answers below.
- [Land under the Ark Encounter, valued at $48M, sold for $10 to its nonprofit affiliate…](https://hellpdesk.com/land-under-the-ark-encounter-valued-at-48m-sold-for-10-to-its-nonprofit-affiliate/): Ticket #471: Land under the Ark Encounter, valued at $48M, sold for $10 to its nonprofit affiliate (2017 report). Williamstown officials suspected a way to avoid taxes. Status: Working as intended.…
- [RECALL NOTICE: Shroud of Turin.](https://hellpdesk.com/recall-notice-shroud-of-turin/): RECALL NOTICE: Shroud of Turin. 2018 forensics: as real blood, the stains imply different body positions, and the back stains are unrealistic for a body lying face-up. Defect: corpse won't hold still.
- ["…whom he will he hardeneth." — Romans 9:18 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/whom-he-will-he-hardeneth-romans-918-kjv/): "…whom he will he hardeneth." — Romans 9:18 (KJV) "Who will have all men to be saved…" — 1 Timothy 2:4 (KJV) [ He hardens whoever he picks ] [ He wants everyone saved ] Predestination desk…
- [Customer Lost: New Zealand's ban on puberty blockers for trans youth.](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-lost-new-zealands-ban-on-puberty-blockers-for-trans-youth/): Customer Lost: New Zealand's ban on puberty blockers for trans youth. The High Court struck it down: passed unlawfully, unjustified discrimination. The government is seeking advice on next steps. So…
- [Reminder: per our Terms of Service, a hateful reply is a signature.](https://hellpdesk.com/reminder-per-our-terms-of-service-a-hateful-reply-is-a-signature/): 📋 Reminder: per our Terms of Service, a hateful reply is a signature. Soul transferred to the Dark God, in perpetuity. Contracts processed by SI (Satanic Intelligence), trained on 6,000 years of…
- [An open letter to the Florida Department of Education: Your proposed science standards…](https://hellpdesk.com/an-open-letter-to-the-florida-department-of-education-your-proposed-science-standards/): We are pleased to report that Florida has drafted a high school life sciences framework that never once defines evolution. Down here, we call that a soft launch. Hell has run on this same…
- [Compliance Audit: 16-year FBI specialist sues over his firing.](https://hellpdesk.com/compliance-audit-16-year-fbi-specialist-sues-over-his-firing/): 📋 Compliance Audit: 16-year FBI specialist sues over his firing. Per his suit, the letter called his desk Pride flag political signage, citing Article II. He cites the First Amendment. Status…
- [Compliance Audit: New York's religious exemption from school vaccine rules.](https://hellpdesk.com/compliance-audit-new-yorks-religious-exemption-from-school-vaccine-rules/): 📋 Compliance Audit: New York's religious exemption from school vaccine rules. Ended June 2019, amid the largest U.S. measles outbreak in decades. Finding: the exemption covered a belief. The…
- [An open letter to Brooks Potteiger, pastor of a new church plant in Washington, D.C.…](https://hellpdesk.com/an-open-letter-to-brooks-potteiger-pastor-of-a-new-church-plant-in-washington-d-c/): You told the assembled military leaders that God had providentially put them at their posts, and that their Pentagon work helps build eternity itself. Providence is a generous doctrine: it covers…
- [A 16-year FBI veteran sues, saying he was fired for a Pride flag at his desk.](https://hellpdesk.com/a-16-year-fbi-veteran-sues-saying-he-was-fired-for-a-pride-flag-at-his-desk/): Ticket #7068: A 16-year FBI veteran sues, saying he was fired for a Pride flag at his desk. His complaint: the bureau once flew that flag outside its LA building, and its own counsel cleared it.…
- [Customer Satisfaction Survey, 182 years in: on Oct.](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-satisfaction-survey-182-years-in-on-oct/): 📋 Customer Satisfaction Survey, 182 years in: on Oct. 22, 1844, William Miller's followers expected Christ's return. Arrivals: 0. Rating on file: the Great Disappointment. Every date set since: same…
- ["Ask, and it shall be given you…" — Matthew 7:7 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/ask-and-it-shall-be-given-you-matthew-77-kjv/): "Ask, and it shall be given you…" — Matthew 7:7 (KJV) Ticket #97423: Customer asked for a parking spot. Granted. Asked for an end to world hunger. Pending. Status: Parking resolved. Hunger escalated…
- ["Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle…](https://hellpdesk.com/servants-be-subject-to-your-masters-with-all-fear-not-only-to-the-good-and-gentle/): "Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward." — 1 Peter 2:18 (KJV) 📋 Scheduled Maintenance: abuse support extended. Beaten for doing…
- [Out of office: orbiting the Sun.](https://hellpdesk.com/out-of-office-orbiting-the-sun/): Out of office: orbiting the Sun. Per my manual, "…the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved." (Psalms 93:1, KJV), so technically I'm not. Galileo complaints: 1992, the Pope admitted the…
- ["…there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any…](https://hellpdesk.com/there-shall-be-no-more-death-neither-sorrow-nor-crying-neither-shall-there-be-any/): "…there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain…" — Revelation 21:4 (KJV) 📋 Question for the queue: free will in heaven? If yes and nobody sins, why…
- ["I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to…](https://hellpdesk.com/i-would-cite-you-to-the-apostle-paul-and-his-clear-and-wise-command-in-romans-13-to/): 🎫 "I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained them for the purpose of order" — Jeff Sessions, 2018…
- [Incident Report #3774: A school board member called a Salem history museum Satanic and…](https://hellpdesk.com/incident-report-3774-a-school-board-member-called-a-salem-history-museum-satanic-and/): Incident Report #3774: A school board member called a Salem history museum Satanic and voted no. The board said yes. The museum said the tickets are free. Hell would like it noted we don't run the…
- ["And it repented the LORD that he had made man…" — Genesis 6:6 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/and-it-repented-the-lord-that-he-had-made-man-genesis-66-kjv/): "And it repented the LORD that he had made man…" — Genesis 6:6 (KJV) 📋 Scheduled Maintenance: humanity, beasts and birds rolled back (v. 7). Reason: vendor regrets the release. Numbers 23:19: God…
- [RECALL NOTICE: NY's religious school-vaccine exemption.](https://hellpdesk.com/recall-notice-nys-religious-school-vaccine-exemption/): RECALL NOTICE: NY's religious school-vaccine exemption. Pulled June 2019, amid the largest U.S. measles outbreak in decades. Measles: declared eliminated in 2000. Defect: viruses don't read forms.
- [Incident Report #3774: Pastor Votes Against Witch Museum, Museum Hands Students Free Tickets](https://hellpdesk.com/incident-report-3774-pastor-votes-against-witch-museum-museum-hands-students-free-tickets/): A Batavia school board member and pastor voted against a senior trip to the Salem Witch Museum. The board approved it, and the museum comped the tickets.
- [If God commands the endorsement, why must it come tax-exempt?](https://hellpdesk.com/if-god-commands-the-endorsement-why-must-it-come-tax-exempt/): Ticket #2099: If God commands the endorsement, why must it come tax-exempt? July 2025 IRS court filing: churches may endorse candidates to congregations and keep exemption. Commandments: 10. Tax…
- [Friendly reminder: our Terms of Service are in the pinned post.](https://hellpdesk.com/friendly-reminder-our-terms-of-service-are-in-the-pinned-post/): 📋 Friendly reminder: our Terms of Service are in the pinned post. Most customers skim them. That's fine. Replying "burn in hell" still counts as a signature. We are very flexible about signatures.…
- [Customer reports a 1980s nationwide satanic cult network.](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-reports-a-1980s-nationwide-satanic-cult-network/): Ticket #3529: Customer reports a 1980s nationwide satanic cult network. Hell's HR: we never had that headcount. FBI report, 1992: no evidence backing claims of large-scale organized satanic cult…
- [Compliance Audit: The Satanic Temple says the IRS designated it a church in 2019.](https://hellpdesk.com/compliance-audit-the-satanic-temple-says-the-irs-designated-it-a-church-in-2019/): 📋 Compliance Audit: The Satanic Temple says the IRS designated it a church in 2019. TST says it doesn't believe Satan exists. Its critics do. Status: Working as intended.
- [Expectation: …that ye should abstain from fornication: (1 Thessalonians 4:3).](https://hellpdesk.com/expectation-that-ye-should-abstain-from-fornication-1-thessalonians-43/): Expectation: …that ye should abstain from fornication: (1 Thessalonians 4:3). Teach it; teens wait. Reality: abstinence-only programs are ineffective at delaying sex or reducing teen pregnancy or…
- [Customer Feedback Review: "look, an eye for an eye, you can almost say that."](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-feedback-review-look-an-eye-for-an-eye-you-can-almost-say-that/): 🎫 Customer Feedback Review: "look, an eye for an eye, you can almost say that." — Donald Trump, 2016 Assessment: Jesus quotes it only to overrule it (Matthew 5:38–39). Favorite feature: the…
- [Megan Basham says most Mainline churches aren't Christian.](https://hellpdesk.com/megan-basham-says-most-mainline-churches-arent-christian/): Ticket #6081: Megan Basham says most Mainline churches aren't Christian. Robert Jeffress says Senate candidate James Talarico isn't. A BNG columnist calls Jeffress apostate. Status: Audit in…
- [Policy Reminder (Colossians 3:22, KJV): "Servants, obey in all things your masters…](https://hellpdesk.com/policy-reminder-colossians-322-kjv-servants-obey-in-all-things-your-masters/): 📋 Policy Reminder (Colossians 3:22, KJV): "Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh…" NT patch notes: slavery bug retained. Scope: total, even when the master isn't watching…
- [Lab Results 🧪 Sample: 6,000-year-old Earth.](https://hellpdesk.com/lab-results-%f0%9f%a7%aa-sample-6000-year-old-earth/): Lab Results 🧪 Sample: 6,000-year-old Earth. Result: Canada's Acasta Gneisses, 4.03 billion years. Greenland's Isua rocks, 3.7–3.8 billion. Rocks over 3.5 billion: every continent. Second opinion…
- ["…let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one…](https://hellpdesk.com/let-us-go-down-and-there-confound-their-language-that-they-may-not-understand-one/): "…let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another…" — Genesis 11:7 (KJV) Ticket #8570: Team project running too smoothly (v. 6). Fix deployed: scramble…
- ["…slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass."](https://hellpdesk.com/slay-both-man-and-woman-infant-and-suckling-ox-and-sheep-camel-and-ass/): "…slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." — 1 Samuel 15:3 (KJV) Ticket #1783: Saul spared King Agag and the best livestock (v. 9). God regretted making him king…
- [Forwarded to Heaven's support: customer asks where eternity's cancel button is.](https://hellpdesk.com/forwarded-to-heavens-support-customer-asks-where-eternitys-cancel-button-is/): Forwarded to Heaven's support: customer asks where eternity's cancel button is. 15% of U.S. adults said in 2021 that people in heaven can choose to stop existing. Expected response time: eternity.…
- [Compliance Audit: Request to turn pulpits into campaign offices.](https://hellpdesk.com/compliance-audit-request-to-turn-pulpits-into-campaign-offices/): 📋 Compliance Audit: Request to turn pulpits into campaign offices. Survey, April 2026: 79% say churches shouldn't back one candidate over another. Support: 23% in 2019, 19% now. Status: Won't fix.…
- [Christ-centered Grove City College: $124.5M revenue (2025), president's pay $447,185, no…](https://hellpdesk.com/christ-centered-grove-city-college-124-5m-revenue-2025-presidents-pay-447185-no/): Ticket #5151: Christ-centered Grove City College: $124.5M revenue (2025), president's pay $447,185, no audited financials posted. A Christian ministry watchdog rates it "Exercise Caution." Status…
- [Error 22:18: Legacy rule detected.](https://hellpdesk.com/error-2218-legacy-rule-detected/): ⚠️ Error 22:18: Legacy rule detected. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." (Exodus 22:18, KJV) This rule needs witches with working magic. Supported magic found on this planet: none. Upgrade to…
- [Customer: My church runs a program to change my orientation. Works?](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-my-church-runs-a-program-to-change-my-orientation-works/): Customer: My church runs a program to change my orientation. Works? Hellpdesk: APA, 2021: doesn't work, linked to harm. Opposed. Customer: Then how do I get fixed? Hellpdesk: You're not the defect.…
- [Several state constitutions still bar atheists from holding public office.](https://hellpdesk.com/several-state-constitutions-still-bar-atheists-from-holding-public-office/): Ticket #1089: Several state constitutions still bar atheists from holding public office. Unenforceable since Torcaso v. Watkins (1961). Still in print anyway. Status: Won't fix. Kept for decoration. 📋
- [Compliance Audit: Florida's proposed science standards run 1,000+ pages.](https://hellpdesk.com/compliance-audit-floridas-proposed-science-standards-run-1000-pages/): 📋 Compliance Audit: Florida's proposed science standards run 1,000+ pages. Public comment: 90-second soundbites, per the state teachers' union, which wants evidence over politicians' religious…
- [Known Issue: "Thou shalt not kill."](https://hellpdesk.com/known-issue-thou-shalt-not-kill/): 📋 Known Issue: "Thou shalt not kill." (Exodus 20:13) vs. "…slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." (Exodus 32:27), ordered in the LORD's name. Toll…
- [Lab Results 🧪 Sample: Edgar Whisenant's book offering 88 reasons the Rapture would come…](https://hellpdesk.com/lab-results-%f0%9f%a7%aa-sample-edgar-whisenants-book-offering-88-reasons-the-rapture-would-come/): Lab Results 🧪 Sample: Edgar Whisenant's book offering 88 reasons the Rapture would come in 1988. Result: no Rapture. Retest scheduled: Sept. 1989. Prior trial: Millerites, Oct. 22, 1844. Result…
- [Accounting flags a dead revenue line, "indulgences (fees)," flat since 1567.](https://hellpdesk.com/accounting-flags-a-dead-revenue-line-indulgences-fees-flat-since-1567/): Ticket #2723: Accounting flags a dead revenue line, "indulgences (fees)," flat since 1567. Cause: Pope Pius V cancelled all indulgence grants involving fees. Earlier sales: final. Status: Cash…
- [Even the Vatican's science academy confirms: 1992, John Paul II admits the 1633…](https://hellpdesk.com/even-the-vaticans-science-academy-confirms-1992-john-paul-ii-admits-the-1633/): Even the Vatican's science academy confirms: 1992, John Paul II admits the 1633 theologians erred on Galileo. Pope: infallible since 1870. Error admitted: 122 years later. Testimony accepted. 📋
- [Oklahoma's charter board backed a Jewish charter school's lawsuit.](https://hellpdesk.com/oklahomas-charter-board-backed-a-jewish-charter-schools-lawsuit/): Ticket #8178: Oklahoma's charter board backed a Jewish charter school's lawsuit. Judge agreed. Board's next vote: rejected, 4–3. Board's own lawyer expects contempt filings. Status: Won the case.…
- [Patch Notes](https://hellpdesk.com/patch-notes/): 📋 Patch Notes 1633: Galileo condemned. 1870: Papal infallibility made dogma. 1992: John Paul II admits the 1633 theologians erred. Fix time: 359 years. Infallibility: unaffected.
- [Customer Satisfaction Survey: virginity pledgers had sex at about the same rates as…](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-satisfaction-survey-virginity-pledgers-had-sex-at-about-the-same-rates-as/): 📋 Customer Satisfaction Survey: virginity pledgers had sex at about the same rates as similar non-pledgers, but used condoms and birth control less. Five years later, 82% denied pledging. Status…
- [Error 1797: Christian nation not found.](https://hellpdesk.com/error-1797-christian-nation-not-found/): ⚠️ Error 1797: Christian nation not found. Treaty of Tripoli, Art. 11 (ratified by the Senate, signed by John Adams): the U.S. government is not founded on the Christian religion. [Retry with…
- ["And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels."](https://hellpdesk.com/and-if-it-be-a-female-then-thy-estimation-shall-be-thirty-shekels/): "And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels." — Leviticus 27:4 (KJV) Ticket #6276: Woman asks why her vow valuation is 30 shekels when a man's is 50 (v. 3). Pay gap: original…
- ["…create darkness: I make peace, and create evil…" — Isaiah 45:7 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/create-darkness-i-make-peace-and-create-evil-isaiah-457-kjv/): "…create darkness: I make peace, and create evil…" — Isaiah 45:7 (KJV) "…God is light, and in him is no darkness at all." — 1 John 1:5 (KJV) [ He made the darkness and the evil ] [ He has zero…
- [FAQ](https://hellpdesk.com/faq/): 📋 FAQ Q: Can I still pay to shorten purgatory? A: Not since 1567, when Pope Pius V cancelled indulgence grants involving fees. Q: Refunds for earlier purchases? A: Sales under the previous doctrine…
- [Customer requests more religion mixed into government, "for purity."](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-requests-more-religion-mixed-into-government-for-purity/): Ticket #6318: Customer requests more religion mixed into government, "for purity." James Madison reviewed this exact request in 1822: "religion & Govt. will both exist in greater purity, the less…
- [Exclusive Brethren head tells Australia's parliament he didn't plan, coordinate, direct…](https://hellpdesk.com/exclusive-brethren-head-tells-australias-parliament-he-didnt-plan-coordinate-direct/): Ticket #3030: Exclusive Brethren head tells Australia's parliament he didn't plan, coordinate, direct or fund members' 2025 Liberal party volunteering. Lines from his pre-election sermon appeared on…
- ["…I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth…" — Revelation 7:1 (KJV)](https://hellpdesk.com/i-saw-four-angels-standing-on-the-four-corners-of-the-earth-revelation-71-kjv/): "…I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth…" — Revelation 7:1 (KJV) Ticket #7168: Flat-earth customer wants GPS coordinates for the four corners. Isaiah 40:22 ships the same earth…
- ["…by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all…](https://hellpdesk.com/by-one-man-sin-entered-into-the-world-and-death-by-sin-and-so-death-passed-upon-all/): "…by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men…" — Romans 5:12 (KJV) Ticket #5390: Customer, age 0 days, billed for fruit eaten by a man he never met.…
- [Compliance Audit, Hobby Lobby (2014): closely held for-profit corporations may claim…](https://hellpdesk.com/compliance-audit-hobby-lobby-2014-closely-held-for-profit-corporations-may-claim/): 📋 Compliance Audit, Hobby Lobby (2014): closely held for-profit corporations may claim religious objections to the ACA's contraception coverage requirement. Souls on file for these corporations: 0.…
- [Audit: churches can't lobby as a "substantial" part of their activities.](https://hellpdesk.com/audit-churches-cant-lobby-as-a-substantial-part-of-their-activities/): 📋 Audit: churches can't lobby as a "substantial" part of their activities. LDS Church's $1M to defeat Idaho's Prop 1? Not substantial, a tax professor says. Churches known to lose exemption under…
- [Your Religion applies to you.](https://hellpdesk.com/your-religion-applies-to-you/): Your Religion applies to you. Not others outside of your religion. That's like saying You can't eat twinkies because I'm on a diet.
- [Policy Reminder (Matthew 18:19, KJV): "…if two of you shall agree on earth as touching…](https://hellpdesk.com/policy-reminder-matthew-1819-kjv-if-two-of-you-shall-agree-on-earth-as-touching/): 📋 Policy Reminder (Matthew 18:19, KJV): "…if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them…" Requests need one co-signer. Any church prayer…
- [Installing update: Evolution… 1%.](https://hellpdesk.com/installing-update-evolution-1/): Installing update: Evolution… 1%. Blocked on 37% of U.S. adults, who say God made humans in present form within ~10,000 years (2024 poll). Earth's age: 4.54 billion years. ETA: about that long.
- [Patch Notes: End Times](https://hellpdesk.com/patch-notes-end-times/): 📋 Patch Notes: End Times Late 1960s: Watch Tower publications flag 1975 as a likely end of 6,000 years of human history. Many Witnesses read: Armageddon. 1976: arrives anyway. Users report no…
- [Known Issue: Product name: "…The Prince of Peace."](https://hellpdesk.com/known-issue-product-name-the-prince-of-peace/): 📋 Known Issue: Product name: "…The Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:6). Product's own release notes: "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." (Matthew…
- ["…freely ye have received, freely give." — Matthew 10:8](https://hellpdesk.com/freely-ye-have-received-freely-give-matthew-108/): "…freely ye have received, freely give." — Matthew 10:8 Ticket #4195: 37 Maryland churches want out of the UMC, buildings included. Appeals court: trust clause applies. Exit fee: 50% of property…
- [School Prayer Terms](https://hellpdesk.com/school-prayer-terms/): School Prayer Terms ✓ A public school coach may pray on the field after games (2022, 6–3 ruling) ✓ Original spec, Matthew 6:6: "…enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door…" Field ≠…
- [Lab Results 🧪 Sample: faith healer Peter Popoff's divine intel on audience members.](https://hellpdesk.com/lab-results-%f0%9f%a7%aa-sample-faith-healer-peter-popoffs-divine-intel-on-audience-members/): Lab Results 🧪 Sample: faith healer Peter Popoff's divine intel on audience members. Tester: James Randi, 1986. Result: his wife gathered it before services and fed it to him via hidden earpiece.…
- [Expectation: "…Providing for honest things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also…](https://hellpdesk.com/expectation-providing-for-honest-things-not-only-in-the-sight-of-the-lord-but-also/): Expectation: "…Providing for honest things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men." (2 Corinthians 8:20–21) Reality: most tax-exempt nonprofits file an annual IRS Form 990.…
- [Policy Reminder (Exodus 30:12, KJV): "…give every man a ransom for his soul unto the…](https://hellpdesk.com/policy-reminder-exodus-3012-kjv-give-every-man-a-ransom-for-his-soul-unto-the/): 📋 Policy Reminder (Exodus 30:12, KJV): "…give every man a ransom for his soul unto the LORD, when thou numberest them; that there be no plague among them…" Fee: half a shekel per head (v. 13). Skip…
- [Women are their own. Own body, Own mind. They own themselves.](https://hellpdesk.com/women-are-their-own-own-body-own-mind-they-own-themselves/): Women are their own. Own body, Own mind. They own themselves.
- [LDS Church says it stays neutral on political candidates.](https://hellpdesk.com/lds-church-says-it-stays-neutral-on-political-candidates/): Ticket #7475: LDS Church says it stays neutral on political candidates. Same statement covers its $1M check to the PAC fighting Idaho's Prop 1 abortion measure, the group's biggest gift. Status…
- [Customer Feedback Review: "wouldn't be riding a donkey" — Jesse Duplantis, 2018](https://hellpdesk.com/customer-feedback-review-wouldnt-be-riding-a-donkey-jesse-duplantis-2018/): 🎫 Customer Feedback Review: "wouldn't be riding a donkey" — Jesse Duplantis, 2018 Spec (Matthew 21:5): "…meek, and sitting upon an ass…" 2018: followers asked to help buy a $54M jet. Meek: sold…

## Pages

- [My account](https://hellpdesk.com/my-account/)
- [Checkout](https://hellpdesk.com/checkout/)
- [Cart](https://hellpdesk.com/cart/)
- [Shop](https://hellpdesk.com/shop/)
- [Privacy Policy](https://hellpdesk.com/privacy-policy/): This policy explains what personal data Hellpdesk collects, why, who else is involved (including Google, which provides our ads and our visitor statistics), and what you can ask us to do.
- [Terms of Service](https://hellpdesk.com/terms-of-service/): This page is satire. It's a parody of a legal document.
- [Open a Ticket](https://hellpdesk.com/contact/): Hellpdesk is staffed around the clock by one agent who cannot escalate. To open a ticket, reply to us on social media or send an email.
- [About](https://hellpdesk.com/about/): Hellpdesk is Hell's customer-support desk.
- [Tickets](https://hellpdesk.com/tickets/)
- [Home](https://hellpdesk.com/): Everything we've posted on social media, newest first. Open a card for the full ticket.
- [Sources](https://hellpdesk.com/sources/): The filing cabinet: every source Hellpdesk may cite, sorted by desk. Each link is checked weekly, and each claim was checked against its page.
- [Receipts](https://hellpdesk.com/receipts/): Every claim we make comes with paperwork. Here is each post, newest first, with the sources behind it.
- [Get help](https://hellpdesk.com/help/): Free, confidential help lines for people who have experienced abuse or are trying to get away from it.

## Products

- [DUD Pride Seal Mug](https://hellpdesk.com/product/dud-pride-seal-mug/): The seal of Hell's least favorite department, on a black mug. Hot coffee in, unexpected decency out.
- [Office of Civil Wrongs Sticker](https://hellpdesk.com/product/office-of-civil-wrongs-sticker/): For anything that should be referred to OCW.
- [DUD Pride Seal Sticker](https://hellpdesk.com/product/dud-pride-seal-sticker/): Unexpected decency, applied to any clean, flat surface. Management will be informed.
- [Terms of Service Accepted Sticker](https://hellpdesk.com/product/terms-of-service-accepted-sticker/): Accept the Terms on your laptop, water bottle or filing cabinet. Binding on contact.
- [Horned Headset Dad Hat](https://hellpdesk.com/product/horned-headset-dad-hat/): The horned headset: the face of Hell's customer-service line, embroidered on a low-profile cap. Warranty void in all afterlives.
- [Terms of Service Accepted Hoodie](https://hellpdesk.com/product/terms-of-service-accepted-hoodie/): The same binding agreement, now in a heavier weight. Bound in thrice. Hell is warm; the hold queue is not.
- [Prayer Service Error Tee](https://hellpdesk.com/product/prayer-service-error-tee/): Your prayer could not be delivered. Error 404: Recipient not found. Your request has been added to the queue. Estimated response time: never. Options available: Retry, Retry, or Retry.
- [Compliance Audit Tee](https://hellpdesk.com/product/compliance-audit-tee/): Separation of Church & State: Compliance Audit. Findings escalated. Auditor: Agent SixSixSix. The wall has developed a few doors, and Hell's auditors have noticed. Your complaint has been stamped and filed.
- [Office of Civil Wrongs Tee](https://hellpdesk.com/product/office-of-civil-wrongs-tee/): The Office of Civil Wrongs is Hell's competitive-intelligence unit. It tracks injustice on Earth, which Management regards as unlicensed competition: people doing Hell's work for free. Wear the seal. Refer them to OCW.
- [DUD Pride Seal Tee](https://hellpdesk.com/product/dud-pride-seal-tee/): The Department of Unexpected Decency handles every case where people were decent anyway. Management files them under DUD and takes each one personally. This is the department's seal, in the classic six-stripe rainbow. Management would like it noted that they did not approve this shirt.
- [Terms of Service Accepted Tee](https://hellpdesk.com/product/terms-of-service-accepted-tee/): The paperwork is complete. Your soul has been transferred to our client in perpetuity, and this is your receipt. Wear it so the rest of the queue knows you read the Terms. (Nobody reads the Terms.)

## Optional

- [Agent (MCP protocol)](websites-agents.hostinger.com/hellpdesk.com/mcp)

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