This policy explains what personal data Hellpdesk collects, why, who else is involved (including Google, which provides our ads and our visitor statistics, and the companies that handle an order if you buy something from our store), and what you can ask us to do. It’s written in plain language and, unlike the rest of this site, it isn’t a joke.
Who we are
Hellpdesk (hellpdesk.com) is a satire website and a set of social media accounts. In this policy, “we” means the person who runs Hellpdesk, based in the United States. You can reach us at hellpdeskagent666@gmail.com.
Advertising and cookies (Google AdSense)
This website shows ads served by Google AdSense. Google and other advertising companies are third parties (“third-party vendors”). They use cookies and similar technologies to show ads, to limit how often you see the same ad, to detect fraud, and to measure how ads perform.
- Third-party cookies. Third-party vendors, including Google, use cookies to serve ads based on your previous visits to this website and to other websites.
- Personalized ads. Google’s use of advertising cookies lets it and its partners serve ads to you based on your visits to this site and/or other sites on the internet.
- Turning off personalized ads. You can opt out of personalized advertising in Google’s Ads Settings. You can also opt out of some other vendors’ use of cookies for personalized advertising at aboutads.info (US) or youronlinechoices.eu (Europe). If you opt out, you’ll still see ads, but they’ll be based on things like the page you’re reading and your general location, not on your browsing history.
- How Google uses data. Google explains how it uses information from sites that use its services, like this one, at policies.google.com/technologies/partner-sites.
- If you’re in the EEA, the UK or Switzerland. Before any advertising cookies are used, a consent message from Google (a Google-certified consent management platform) asks what you agree to. You can change your choice at any time with the “Privacy and cookie settings” link shown on pages with ads.
- Where there are no ads. We never show ads on the Contact page, this Privacy Policy, the Get help page, search results or “page not found” pages. Google’s ad code isn’t loaded on those pages at all.
We don’t use any other ad network.
Visitor statistics (Google Analytics)
We use Google Analytics, through Google’s Site Kit plugin, to see how the site is used: which pages are read, which site or link sent visitors here, roughly where they are (worked out from their IP address), and what kind of device and browser they use. Google Analytics sets its own cookies (named _ga and similar) so that it can tell a returning browser from a new one. We see totals and trends, not who you are.
Google processes this data under its own policies, explained at policies.google.com/technologies/partner-sites. To stop Google Analytics from counting your visits to any website, you can install Google’s opt-out browser add-on.
What this website collects itself
Clicks on our social media links
When you click a link to one of Hellpdesk’s social media accounts, this site adds one to a daily count for that account and the part of the page the link was in (the top bar, the footer or the home page). That’s all it keeps: no IP address, cookie or anything else that could identify you.
Comments
Comments are switched off on this site for now. If we switch them on, this is what we’ll collect: what you type into the form (your name, email address, optional website and the comment itself), plus your IP address, your browser’s user-agent string and the date and time. Your email address is never published. Your name, website and comment are shown publicly once the comment is approved. We’d use the IP address and user agent only to spot spam and abuse; we don’t use an outside spam-filtering service. If you tick “Save my name, email, and website in this browser”, your browser stores them in cookies for one year so you don’t have to type them again.
Avatars
We don’t use Gravatar or any other avatar service, so your email address is not sent anywhere to fetch a profile picture.
Other cookies and browser storage
Apart from the advertising and Google Analytics cookies described above, the store’s cookies described below, and the comment cookies (if comments are ever switched on), this website sets no cookies for visitors. Site administrators get the login cookies WordPress needs. If you close the status bar at the top of the page, your browser remembers that choice in its own storage; it is never sent to us.
Fonts and other files
The website’s fonts, images and code are served by our hosting provider. Apart from Google’s ads and Analytics, visiting the site doesn’t send your information to Google Fonts or similar services.
Embedded content
Some posts may include content embedded from other sites, such as a post from X or a video. Embedded content behaves exactly as if you had visited the other site, which may collect data about you under its own privacy policy.
Server logs
Like most websites, our hosting provider, Hostinger, keeps short-term server logs, such as IP addresses and the pages requested, to keep the site running and secure.
Our social media accounts
Hellpdesk posts on Facebook, Instagram, Threads, Bluesky, X, TikTok and YouTube, always through each platform’s official tools (for X and TikTok, through Buffer). Our short videos go to our YouTube channel through YouTube API Services; the app reads only our own channel’s numbers there, never anything about the people who watch. When you watch on YouTube, the YouTube Terms of Service and the Google Privacy Policy apply.
Replies are handled by our posting app, which we call SI (Satanic Intelligence). Despite the name, it runs on an ordinary computer, not on brimstone, and it follows this policy. It reads public comments, replies and mentions on our own accounts: the text, when it was posted, and the public name or username shown with it. On Bluesky it also notes which accounts like, repost, quote, reply to or follow Hellpdesk (their public handle and name). We use this to decide whether and how to respond, to see how our posts are doing, and to keep count of accounts “transferred” under our satirical Terms of Service. That count is just a number; it isn’t linked to anyone. Comments that suggest someone is going through something hard are never answered by the app; they’re shown to a human.
We don’t sell or share this information, use it for advertising, or build marketing profiles of people. Exactly what the app keeps, the services it uses to do its job and how long it keeps things are set out in the posting app’s own privacy policy. Each platform also processes your data under its own privacy policy.
Orders from the Hellpdesk store
Our store (hellpdesk.com/shop) is run by Crit Craft Studios LLC, a Connecticut company. If you buy something from it, we collect what’s needed to take your payment and get your order to you:
- What you give us at checkout: your name, email address, shipping and billing address, phone number if you add one, and any note you leave with the order.
- Your order: what you bought, the price, shipping and any tax, and its status. If you create an account, its login details too.
- Your payment: handled entirely by the payment provider you choose, Stripe for cards or PayPal. We never see or store your full card number. They tell us whether the payment went through, and may use the details you enter to prevent fraud.
- Sales tax: to work out the tax on your order, your shipping address and the order’s amounts are sent to WooCommerce’s tax service.
- Printing and delivery: our print partner, Printful, gets your name, shipping address and the items you ordered (and your email or phone number when the carrier needs them), so it can print your order and hand it to the shipping carrier.
- Cart cookies: the store sets the cookies a shopping cart needs (to remember what’s in your cart and keep your checkout session). On the cart and checkout pages only, Stripe’s and PayPal’s own scripts load and may set their own cookies to process the payment and prevent fraud.
We use order details only to fulfil your order, answer you about it, handle refunds and keep the records the law requires. We don’t use them for advertising, and you won’t get marketing emails unless you ask for them.
Who we share data with
Only the services that make the website and accounts work: our hosting provider (Hostinger), Google (for the ads and Analytics, as described above), the social media platforms themselves, the services our posting app uses (which its privacy policy lists) and, if you order from the store, Stripe or PayPal, Printful and the shipping carrier. We don’t sell personal data.
How long we keep data
The daily click counts are kept as totals. Comments, if they’re ever switched on, are kept until the comment is deleted. The replies and mentions our posting app has read are kept as a record of what was said until you ask us to delete them (see below and the app’s privacy policy). Order records are kept for as long as tax and accounting rules require. Google keeps advertising and Analytics data under its own policies.
Your rights and deleting your data
You can ask us for a copy of the personal data we hold about you, or ask us to correct or delete it. That includes any comments, any data the posting app holds about your replies, and your store account and orders (order records we’re required to keep for tax and accounting stay until that period ends). Email hellpdeskagent666@gmail.com with the subject “Data request”, and include the email address you commented with or your username on the platform. We’ll reply within 30 days. Depending on where you live (for example in the UK, the EU or California), you may have further rights under local law. For advertising and Analytics data, use Google’s settings and add-on linked above.
Changes to this policy
If we change how we handle data, we’ll update this page and the date below.
Last updated: October 28, 2026