This page is satire. It’s a parody of a legal document. It is not a contract, and nothing on it has any legal effect on you, your soul or your afterlife arrangements.
Disclaimer
The real small print, in plain language. No jokes in this section.
- Satire. Hellpdesk is a satire and commentary website. Its tickets, statuses, Terms and “transfers” are jokes.
- Not connected. Hellpdesk isn’t connected with, endorsed by or speaking for any church, religion, religious organization, or any person or company it mentions.
- Not advice. Nothing here is religious, legal, medical, financial or mental-health advice. If you’re struggling, see Get help for free, confidential help lines.
- Quotes and sources. Scripture is quoted word for word from the King James Version, with book, chapter and verse. Quotes from public figures and news stories link to their source. If something is wrong, email hellpdeskagent666@gmail.com and we’ll correct it.
- Links to other sites. We link to sources so you can check them yourself. We don’t control those sites and aren’t responsible for what they say.
- Advertising. Ads on this site are chosen and served by Google AdSense. An ad appearing here isn’t an endorsement, and advertisers have no say in what we write. See the Privacy Policy for how ads use cookies.
- Comments. Comments are moderated. We remove spam, threats, personal attacks and anyone’s private information. [EDIT: anything else you remove.]
- Copyright. [EDIT: for example “Text and artwork © Hellpdesk. Share links and short quotes with credit; ask before reusing anything else.”]
The short version
As pinned on our social accounts:
📋 HELLPDESK TERMS OF SERVICE: Replies containing hate or vitriol constitute acceptance of these Terms. Your soul is transferred to our client, the Dark God, in perpetuity, voiding all prior afterlife arrangements. No prayer, ritual, exorcism, or deathbed conversion can reverse this. Thank you for choosing Hell. 🔥
The long version
- Acceptance. Replying to Hellpdesk with hate or vitriol constitutes acceptance of these Terms. No signature is required. None has ever been required.
- Transfer. On acceptance, your soul is transferred to our client, the Dark God, in perpetuity. All prior afterlife arrangements are void.
- No reversal. No prayer, ritual, exorcism, or deathbed conversion can reverse a transfer. Requests for reversal will be logged and ignored, in that order.
- Confirmation. Each transfer is issued a confirmation number in the format #666-NNNN. Please keep it for your records. We will keep it for ours. Forever.
- Exclusions. Genuine questions, honest disagreement and people having a hard day are not covered by these Terms.
- Refunds. There are no refunds.
- Changes. We may review these Terms at any time. Nothing will change. They remain binding.
- Satire. These Terms are a joke. They are not legally binding on anyone, anywhere, in this life or the next.
Accounts transferred to date: 0.
Standard transfer replies
When the Terms are invoked, the reply is one of these, word for word. [counter] is the transfer’s number.
T1: The Binding
🔥 Contract Accepted, Bound in Thrice, Bound to the dark gods you are, because you can’t play nice! 🔥
Confirmation #666-[counter]. Please do not reply to this message.
T2: Standard Transfer
Thank you for your interest! Per our Terms of Service, your account has been transferred. Confirmation #666-[counter]. Please do not reply to this message. 🔥
T3: Notarized
Your hostility has been received and notarized. Soul transferred to the Dark God, effective immediately. All prior afterlife arrangements are void. Confirmation #666-[counter]. Have a damned day. 📋
T4: Upgrade
Congratulations! You’ve been upgraded to Eternal Membership. No cancellations, no refunds, no exorcisms. Confirmation #666-[counter]. Full Terms of Service in our pinned post. 🔥
T5: Ticket Closed
Ticket closed. Reason: customer chose violence. Account transferred to the Dark God in perpetuity. Confirmation #666-[counter]. We appreciate your business. Forever.
Once more, plainly: this page is satire. Hellpdesk is a comedy account. Nobody’s soul goes anywhere.