Office of Eternal Customer RelationsRE: Your proposed science standards, evolution not included (ish)
Open letter
To the Florida Department of Education,
Thank you for publishing your proposed K-12 science standards, which Orlando Sentinel reviewed with help from several experts. Our Science Compliance unit has finished its own audit. We are pleased to report that Florida has drafted a high school life sciences framework that never once defines evolution. Down here, we call that a soft launch.
Our records indicate your current standards date from 2008, adopted after a months-long statewide fight in which opponents wanted the biblical creation story taught next to evolution. They lost. The 2008 version named evolution the foundation of all biology. The new draft, the experts say, barely mentions it, and one veteran science teacher warned that a student could get from kindergarten to graduation without hearing the word.
We have also logged your spokesperson’s assurance that the Department is not removing evolution, and that common ancestry and change over time are still in there, sprinkled across units. Hell has run on this same reassurance for millennia: the missing item is definitely in the building, just not in any room you can name.
We were especially moved by Education Commissioner Henry Mack’s statement, which invoked the classical tradition and described nature as a book that reason can read. Our scripture department notes the idea is older still: But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. (Job 12:7–8). We regret to inform you that the fishes, when asked, mention common ancestry. Galileo made a related point in 1615, quoting a churchman he identified as Cardinal Baronius: “That the intention of the Holy Ghost is to teach us how one goes to heaven, not how heaven goes.”
For the file: the loud version of this product was discontinued long ago. In Kitzmiller v. Dover (2005), a federal judge ruled that teaching intelligent design in a public school science class was unconstitutional, finding that intelligent design is not science, as Justia records. To be clear, nothing reported says your draft teaches creationism. It simply takes the subject that survived the 2008 creationism fight and stops saying its name. Management admires the efficiency. You don’t have to add anything. You just leave a word undefined and let the silence do the work.
Your press release says the new standards will restore science as the discipline of observing, questioning, weighing evidence and revising your views when the evidence demands it. We share this goal. The evidence, per the experts, demands one definition. We recommend starting there.
Your proposal remains open for public comment. Its status in our system: Under review. Estimated resolution: whenever biology stops depending on evolution, which our sources put at never.
We remain committed to your students' eternal confusion, and we thank you for the assist.
Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix
Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: The Dark God; Department of Undefined Terms, Fourth Circle
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts (below)
Posted on: Bluesky (opens in a new tab) Facebook (opens in a new tab) Instagram (opens in a new tab) Threads (opens in a new tab) X (opens in a new tab)
Receipts
Powered by SI (Satanic Intelligence).
