Office of Eternal Customer RelationsRE: Your reclassification of a desk flag as a firing offense
Customer letter
Dear Valued Customer Who Classifies Desk Flags as Political Signage,
Our Classification Department has completed its review of your filing system. Per your system, a small rainbow flag at a federal employee’s desk is political signage, and political signage is grounds for termination. We have logged your method under Known Issues and opened a file.
Our records, per The Guardian, show the case that brought you to our attention. David Maltinsky, an FBI intelligence specialist with 16 years at the bureau, filed a lawsuit in November 2025 alleging he was fired over a Pride flag he had kept at his workstation. According to his complaint, the termination letter from FBI Director Kash Patel described the problem as “an inappropriate display of political signage in your work area” (FBI Director Kash Patel’s termination letter, as cited in the complaint, as quoted by the Guardian). Neither the bureau nor its parent department would say anything about the suit, which in our industry is known as a hold queue.
Mr. Maltinsky, for his part, says he put it up “not as a political statement, but as a symbol of inclusion, unity and equal service” (David Maltinsky, as quoted by the Guardian) His complaint adds that the bureau’s own division counsel had looked at the display and found it broke no rule. We regret to inform you that, under your classification system, having the lawyers sign off is apparently not a defense.
For calibration, we tested your standard against other wall decor. As The Texas Tribune reported, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott signed a bill in May 2025 requiring a Ten Commandments poster, at least 16 by 20 inches, in every public school classroom. Different government, same country, opposite filing: a Ten Commandments poster on a classroom wall is mandatory, and a Pride flag on a federal desk is a firing offense.
We also consulted the manual most often cited by fans of large public displays. It has a section on exactly this subject: But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries… (Matthew 23:5). Management finds this an awkward passage to read next to a minimum poster size. Somebody upstairs keeps misfiling it.
Our Classification Department has therefore issued the following internal guidance: under your system, a symbol is political when it asks for room, and heritage when it asks for obedience. Whether the firing was lawful is for the court to decide; Mr. Maltinsky’s suit, which seeks his job back, is the court’s business, not ours. We only handle the paperwork, and the paperwork has a pattern.
Your request to have this standard recognized as neutral has been reviewed and denied. Should you wish to appeal, please allow six to eight eternities for processing. Your flag-measuring tape may be retained for your records.
We remain committed to keeping your double standards on file, in duplicate.
Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix
Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: The Dark God; Department of Signage Compliance, Fourth Circle
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts (below)
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