Office of Eternal Customer RelationsRE: Your novelization of Genesis, and our founder's portrayal therein
Open letter
Dear Mr. Jenkins and President Yarbrough,
Our records indicate that, as Baptist News Global reported, the two of you have co-written The Battle for Heaven and Earth, a Thomas Nelson novel dramatizing Genesis 1 through 3: Lucifer’s rebellion, the making of the world, and Adam and Eve’s fall. Our Office of Brand Reputation has opened a file. Please allow 6 infinity 8 eternities for processing.
First, a formal complaint on behalf of our founder. According to the coverage, the novel presents Lucifer as a moody, evasive teenager whom the narrating archangel Michael keeps pestering with questions. We have reviewed this characterization at length. Management disputes the word teenager. Management does not dispute the rest.
Second, a Known Issue with your source material. Genesis ships with two installation orders. Genesis 1:25 reads: And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind… Humans follow in the next verse. Then Genesis 2:18–19 reads: And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them… There, the man comes first and the animals arrive afterward as a remedy for his loneliness. We look forward to learning which build a narrating archangel installs, and whether he mentions the other one.
Third, a scheduling note from the Science Department. Our records show the planet at 4.54 billion years old, with an uncertainty under 1 percent, per U.S. Geological Survey. Shelving Genesis with the novels is, for once, the correct call. Even the Catechism of the Catholic Church, as published by The Holy See, says the fall story uses figurative language, though it still affirms a primeval event. When the home office of another franchise says figurative, we take notes.
President Yarbrough, we were also pleased to read that you hope the book sends people back to their Bibles to wrestle with Genesis. Hell’s retention team fully supports this initiative. Readers who take Genesis 1 and Genesis 2 in a single sitting are historically our most promising leads.
Finally, we note the plan for seven more novels running through Revelation, should sales cooperate, and your statement that the Left Behind series reflects where your seminary stands on the end times. An apocalypse contingent on sales figures is the most honest prophecy currently on file. We also admire the 131 chapters averaging under three pages each. Our own Terms of Service are shorter, and they are binding.
We remain committed to your eternal satisfaction, one brief chapter at a time.
Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix
Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: Lucifer, Office of Public Image; Archivist, Genesis 1 and 2 (both drafts)
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts (below)
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Receipts
- Baptist News Global: Left Behind author’s latest novel explores beginning times (opens in a new tab)
- U.S. Geological Survey: Age of the Earth (opens in a new tab)
- The Holy See: Catechism of the Catholic Church, Paragraph 7. The Fall (opens in a new tab)
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