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Separation of Church & State: Compliance Audit. Findings escalated. Auditor: Agent SixSixSix. The wall has developed a few doors, and Hell’s auditors have noticed. Your complaint has been stamped and filed.
The seal of Hell’s least favorite department, on a black mug. Hot coffee in, unexpected decency out.
Unexpected decency, applied to any clean, flat surface. Management will be informed.
The Department of Unexpected Decency handles every case where people were decent anyway. Management files them under DUD and takes each one personally. This is the department’s seal, in the classic six-stripe rainbow. Management would like it noted that they did not approve this shirt.
The horned headset: the face of Hell’s customer-service line, embroidered on a low-profile cap. Warranty void in all afterlives.
The Office of Civil Wrongs is Hell’s competitive-intelligence unit. It tracks injustice on Earth, which Management regards as unlicensed competition: people doing Hell’s work for free. Wear the seal. Refer them to OCW.
Your prayer could not be delivered. Error 404: Recipient not found. Your request has been added to the queue. Estimated response time: never. Options available: Retry, Retry, or Retry.
The same binding agreement, now in a heavier weight. Bound in thrice. Hell is warm; the hold queue is not.
Accept the Terms on your laptop, water bottle or filing cabinet. Binding on contact.
The paperwork is complete. Your soul has been transferred to our client in perpetuity, and this is your receipt. Wear it so the rest of the queue knows you read the Terms. (Nobody reads the Terms.)
