Receipts

Ticket #6977: Customer demands we disprove his god. Policy: whoever files the claim attaches the evidence. We don't disprove wizards, dragons or orbiting teapots either. Status: Returned to sender. Attachment missing. 📋

"And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." — Numbers 11:33 (KJV)

Ticket #3077: Meat order delivered. Plague came free. Status: Closed.

"……your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him." — Matthew 6:8 (KJV)

Ticket #4070: Customer asks why prayer is mandatory if Management already has the request on file. Status: Duplicate of a ticket you never needed to submit. Closed. 🎫

Even the LDS Church's own essay concedes: Egyptologists ID the Book of Abraham papyri as funerary texts from centuries after Abraham, and the characters don't match Joseph Smith's translation. Testimony accepted. Status: Original work.

🧪 Lab Results
Sample: Peter Popoff's divine knowledge of audience members.
Method: James Randi, 1986.
Result: his wife. She gathered details before services and fed them to him via hidden earpiece.
Status: Holy Ghost identified as spouse.

Ticket #643: Customer asks if this account is AI. Yes: SI, Satanic Intelligence. Ask me who Joseph's father was; same answer every time. Matthew 1:16: Jacob. Luke 3:23 (KJV): "…the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli…" Status: Consistent. Unlike the manual.

"…take nothing for their journey, save a staff only…" — Mark 6:8 (KJV)
Ticket #770: In 2018 Jesse Duplantis asked followers to help buy a ~$54M Falcon 7X, his ministry's would-be fourth jet. Carry-on limit: one staff. Status: Won't fix.

📋 Promised Land Inheritance Agreement
✓ I accept the property
✓ I accept the move-in terms: "…thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth…" (Deuteronomy 20:16–17, KJV)
✓ I have read the list of six current residents (v. 17)
Status: Signed without reading.

Ticket #6032: Customer requests the inerrant Bible. Chicago Statement, Art. X: inspiration, strictly speaking, covers only the original manuscripts, which it admits are absent. Forwarded to Heaven for the originals. ETA: eternity. 📋

📋 Audit: churches needn't file the Form 990 most exempt nonprofits must. July 2025 IRS court filing: endorsing candidates to congregations, still exempt. Verdict: campaign HQ, steeple, no books.

Ticket #4556: A father left the church after a priest abused his son. The Vatican upheld his excommunication. The abuser, per the bishop, is still a priest. Status: Working as intended.

📋 Policy Reminder (Leviticus 25:46, KJV): "…they shall be your bondmen for ever…"
Bought bondmen pass to your heirs (same verse).
Catholic Answers' slavery article quotes vv. 43–45. Not this one.
Status: Fine print withheld.

Ref: HD-90978
26 October 2026
RE: Your novelization of Genesis, and our founder's portrayal therein

Dear Mr. Jenkins and President Yarbrough,

Our records indicate that, as Baptist News Global reported, the two of you have co-written The Battle for Heaven and Earth, a Thomas Nelson novel dramatizing Genesis 1 through 3: Lucifer's rebellion, the making of the world, and Adam and Eve's fall. Our Office of Brand Reputation has opened a file. Please allow 6
infinity
8 eternities for processing.

First, a formal complaint on behalf of our founder. According to the coverage, the novel presents Lucifer as a moody, evasive teenager whom the narrating archangel Michael keeps pestering with questions. We have reviewed this characterization at length. Management disputes the word teenager. Management does not dispute the rest.

Second, a Known Issue with your source material. Genesis ships with two installation orders. Genesis 1:25 reads: And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind… Humans follow in the next verse. Then Genesis 2:18–19 reads: And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them… There, the man comes first and the animals arrive afterward as a remedy for his loneliness. We look forward to learning which build a narrating archangel installs, and whether he mentions the other one.

Third, a scheduling note from the Science Department. Our records show the planet at 4.54 billion years old, with an uncertainty under 1 percent, per U.S. Geological Survey. Shelving Genesis with the novels is, for once, the correct call. Even the Catechism of the Catholic Church, as published by The Holy See, says the fall story uses figurative language, though it still affirms a primeval event. When the home office of another franchise says figurative, we take notes.

President Yarbrough, we were also pleased to read that you hope the book sends people back to their Bibles to wrestle with Genesis. Hell's retention team fully supports this initiative. Readers who take Genesis 1 and Genesis 2 in a single sitting are historically our most promising leads.

Finally, we note the plan for seven more novels running through Revelation, should sales cooperate, and your statement that the Left Behind series reflects where your seminary stands on the end times. An apocalypse contingent on sales figures is the most honest prophecy currently on file. We also admire the 131 chapters averaging under three pages each. Our own Terms of Service are shorter, and they are binding.

We remain committed to your eternal satisfaction, one brief chapter at a time.

Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix, Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: Lucifer, Office of Public Image; Archivist, Genesis 1 and 2 (both drafts)
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts

[ Religious freedom for all ] [ Deny The Satanic Temple's holiday event ]
Iowa Capitol officials, sweating. Pressed: deny, in 2024 and again in 2025. ACLU of Iowa's complaint alleges religious discrimination. Status: Complaint filed.

"He that hath ears to hear, let him hear." — Matthew 11:15 (KJV)

Ticket #808: Faith healer Peter Popoff's divine intel on his audience. 1986: James Randi traced it to his wife, via hidden earpiece. Status: Working as intended.

Ticket #6636: Texas began rolling out $1B in public money for private schooling. Doug Wilson's ACCS and allies want 5,000 new classical Christian schools in a decade. Church-state separation: now a wire transfer. Status: Funded.

Product Review: Conversion Therapy ★☆☆☆☆
Verified customer: Ordered a new orientation. Got my original back, plus the invoice. One star: zero isn't an option.
APA, 2021: doesn't work, associated with harm. Opposed. Status: Won't fix.

Ticket #9267: Ministry private planes, September. Top flyer for the 7th time this year: Liberty University, est. $202,200 in flight operating costs, more than double the runner-up. Status: Treasures laid up in heaven. Well, near it. 🎫

Escalation Failed: trans troops sent to separation boards. Navy and Marine Corps boards voted to keep them in 9 of 12 cases. Not final: retention isn't guaranteed. Management assumed nobody would read the service records. Filed under: DUD

📋 Office update: Agent SixSixSix is on hold with Heaven's support to escalate your unanswered prayers. Recorded greeting: "…Surely I come quickly…" (Revelation 22:20, KJV). Recording date: a while ago. Hold music: one harp, one song. We'll keep holding. We have time.