Receipts

Ref: HD-90978
26 October 2026
RE: Your novelization of Genesis, and our founder's portrayal therein

Dear Mr. Jenkins and President Yarbrough,

Our records indicate that, as Baptist News Global reported, the two of you have co-written The Battle for Heaven and Earth, a Thomas Nelson novel dramatizing Genesis 1 through 3: Lucifer's rebellion, the making of the world, and Adam and Eve's fall. Our Office of Brand Reputation has opened a file. Please allow 6
infinity
8 eternities for processing.

First, a formal complaint on behalf of our founder. According to the coverage, the novel presents Lucifer as a moody, evasive teenager whom the narrating archangel Michael keeps pestering with questions. We have reviewed this characterization at length. Management disputes the word teenager. Management does not dispute the rest.

Second, a Known Issue with your source material. Genesis ships with two installation orders. Genesis 1:25 reads: And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind… Humans follow in the next verse. Then Genesis 2:18–19 reads: And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them… There, the man comes first and the animals arrive afterward as a remedy for his loneliness. We look forward to learning which build a narrating archangel installs, and whether he mentions the other one.

Third, a scheduling note from the Science Department. Our records show the planet at 4.54 billion years old, with an uncertainty under 1 percent, per U.S. Geological Survey. Shelving Genesis with the novels is, for once, the correct call. Even the Catechism of the Catholic Church, as published by The Holy See, says the fall story uses figurative language, though it still affirms a primeval event. When the home office of another franchise says figurative, we take notes.

President Yarbrough, we were also pleased to read that you hope the book sends people back to their Bibles to wrestle with Genesis. Hell's retention team fully supports this initiative. Readers who take Genesis 1 and Genesis 2 in a single sitting are historically our most promising leads.

Finally, we note the plan for seven more novels running through Revelation, should sales cooperate, and your statement that the Left Behind series reflects where your seminary stands on the end times. An apocalypse contingent on sales figures is the most honest prophecy currently on file. We also admire the 131 chapters averaging under three pages each. Our own Terms of Service are shorter, and they are binding.

We remain committed to your eternal satisfaction, one brief chapter at a time.

Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix, Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: Lucifer, Office of Public Image; Archivist, Genesis 1 and 2 (both drafts)
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts

[ Religious freedom for all ] [ Deny The Satanic Temple's holiday event ]
Iowa Capitol officials, sweating. Pressed: deny, in 2024 and again in 2025. ACLU of Iowa's complaint alleges religious discrimination. Status: Complaint filed.

"He that hath ears to hear, let him hear." — Matthew 11:15 (KJV)

Ticket #808: Faith healer Peter Popoff's divine intel on his audience. 1986: James Randi traced it to his wife, via hidden earpiece. Status: Working as intended.

Ticket #6636: Texas began rolling out $1B in public money for private schooling. Doug Wilson's ACCS and allies want 5,000 new classical Christian schools in a decade. Church-state separation: now a wire transfer. Status: Funded.

Product Review: Conversion Therapy ★☆☆☆☆
Verified customer: Ordered a new orientation. Got my original back, plus the invoice. One star: zero isn't an option.
APA, 2021: doesn't work, associated with harm. Opposed. Status: Won't fix.

Ticket #9267: Ministry private planes, September. Top flyer for the 7th time this year: Liberty University, est. $202,200 in flight operating costs, more than double the runner-up. Status: Treasures laid up in heaven. Well, near it. 🎫

Escalation Failed: trans troops sent to separation boards. Navy and Marine Corps boards voted to keep them in 9 of 12 cases. Not final: retention isn't guaranteed. Management assumed nobody would read the service records. Filed under: DUD

📋 Office update: Agent SixSixSix is on hold with Heaven's support to escalate your unanswered prayers. Recorded greeting: "…Surely I come quickly…" (Revelation 22:20, KJV). Recording date: a while ago. Hold music: one harp, one song. We'll keep holding. We have time.

Ticket #2421: Saucon Valley School District (PA) revoked its approval of the After School Satan Club. May 2023: a federal judge ruled it must let the club meet there. Status: Working as intended. Religious freedom has no VIP section. 📋

📋 Known Issue: "Let your women keep silence in the churches…" (1 Corinthians 14:34) vs. "…every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered…" (1 Corinthians 11:5). Same author, same letter. Workaround: prophesy in a hat, silently. Status: Won't fix.

📋 Customer Satisfaction Survey: STEP trial, 2006. Service tested: strangers praying for heart bypass patients. Effect on complications after surgery: none. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers. The surgeons are on it. Please hold.

📋 Patch Notes: late 1960s–early '70s, Watch Tower publications flag 1975 as a likely end of 6,000 years of human history. Many Witnesses read: Armageddon. 1975 build: never shipped. Support still knocks.

Customer: Noah's Ark found! Red Sea chariot wheels too!
Hellpdesk: Ron Wyatt's? Christian archaeologists rejected those: no training, no licensed digs, no peer review.
Customer: Christian ones?
Hellpdesk: Your side won't sign. Warranty void.

📋 FAQ
Q: The golden plates? A: Returned to the angel, per Joseph Smith.
Q: The Abraham papyri? A: Per the church's essay, Egyptologists call them funerary texts from centuries after Abraham.

⚠️ Error 2009: Pledge not found. Study: pledgers had sex at about the same rates as similar non-pledgers, but used condoms and birth control less. Feature blocked: protection only. [Pledge again] [Deny pledging]

Ref: HD-8047
24 October 2026
RE: Your reclassification of a desk flag as a firing offense

Dear Valued Customer Who Classifies Desk Flags as Political Signage,

Our Classification Department has completed its review of your filing system. Per your system, a small rainbow flag at a federal employee's desk is political signage, and political signage is grounds for termination. We have logged your method under Known Issues and opened a file.

Our records, per The Guardian, show the case that brought you to our attention. David Maltinsky, an FBI intelligence specialist with 16 years at the bureau, filed a lawsuit in November 2025 alleging he was fired over a Pride flag he had kept at his workstation. According to his complaint, the termination letter from FBI Director Kash Patel described the problem as “an inappropriate display of political signage in your work area” (FBI Director Kash Patel's termination letter, as cited in the complaint, as quoted by the Guardian). Neither the bureau nor its parent department would say anything about the suit, which in our industry is known as a hold queue.

Mr. Maltinsky, for his part, says he put it up “not as a political statement, but as a symbol of inclusion, unity and equal service” (David Maltinsky, as quoted by the Guardian) His complaint adds that the bureau's own division counsel had looked at the display and found it broke no rule. We regret to inform you that, under your classification system, having the lawyers sign off is apparently not a defense.

For calibration, we tested your standard against other wall decor. As The Texas Tribune reported, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott signed a bill in May 2025 requiring a Ten Commandments poster, at least 16 by 20 inches, in every public school classroom. Different government, same country, opposite filing: a Ten Commandments poster on a classroom wall is mandatory, and a Pride flag on a federal desk is a firing offense.

We also consulted the manual most often cited by fans of large public displays. It has a section on exactly this subject: But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries… (Matthew 23:5). Management finds this an awkward passage to read next to a minimum poster size. Somebody upstairs keeps misfiling it.

Our Classification Department has therefore issued the following internal guidance: under your system, a symbol is political when it asks for room, and heritage when it asks for obedience. Whether the firing was lawful is for the court to decide; Mr. Maltinsky's suit, which seeks his job back, is the court's business, not ours. We only handle the paperwork, and the paperwork has a pattern.

Your request to have this standard recognized as neutral has been reviewed and denied. Should you wish to appeal, please allow six to eight eternities for processing. Your flag-measuring tape may be retained for your records.

We remain committed to keeping your double standards on file, in duplicate.

Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix, Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: The Dark God; Department of Signage Compliance, Fourth Circle
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts

Service Disruption: Standing Denial Unit down. D.C. Circuit, 2–1, revived faith groups' suit over ICE enforcement at houses of worship. Back to district court; merits pending. Management is refreshing the docket. Filed under: DUD

"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." — Deuteronomy 23:1 (KJV)
Ticket #206: Groin injury voids membership. Fault: irrelevant. Screening: don't ask. Status: Working as intended.

"…God is not the author of confusion…" — 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV)

📋 Question: tens of thousands of Christian denominations, each sure it's the right one. So who authored the confusion? Answers below.

Ticket #471: Land under the Ark Encounter, valued at $48M, sold for $10 to its nonprofit affiliate (2017 report). Williamstown officials suspected a way to avoid taxes. Status: Working as intended. Two of every animal, one of every loophole.