Receipts

Ticket #2421: Saucon Valley School District (PA) revoked its approval of the After School Satan Club. May 2023: a federal judge ruled it must let the club meet there. Status: Working as intended. Religious freedom has no VIP section. 📋

📋 Known Issue: "Let your women keep silence in the churches…" (1 Corinthians 14:34) vs. "…every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered…" (1 Corinthians 11:5). Same author, same letter. Workaround: prophesy in a hat, silently. Status: Won't fix.

📋 Customer Satisfaction Survey: STEP trial, 2006. Service tested: strangers praying for heart bypass patients. Effect on complications after surgery: none. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers. The surgeons are on it. Please hold.

📋 Patch Notes: late 1960s–early '70s, Watch Tower publications flag 1975 as a likely end of 6,000 years of human history. Many Witnesses read: Armageddon. 1975 build: never shipped. Support still knocks.

Customer: Noah's Ark found! Red Sea chariot wheels too!
Hellpdesk: Ron Wyatt's? Christian archaeologists rejected those: no training, no licensed digs, no peer review.
Customer: Christian ones?
Hellpdesk: Your side won't sign. Warranty void.

📋 FAQ
Q: The golden plates? A: Returned to the angel, per Joseph Smith.
Q: The Abraham papyri? A: Per the church's essay, Egyptologists call them funerary texts from centuries after Abraham.

⚠️ Error 2009: Pledge not found. Study: pledgers had sex at about the same rates as similar non-pledgers, but used condoms and birth control less. Feature blocked: protection only. [Pledge again] [Deny pledging]

Ref: HD-8047
24 October 2026
RE: Your reclassification of a desk flag as a firing offense

Dear Valued Customer Who Classifies Desk Flags as Political Signage,

Our Classification Department has completed its review of your filing system. Per your system, a small rainbow flag at a federal employee's desk is political signage, and political signage is grounds for termination. We have logged your method under Known Issues and opened a file.

Our records, per The Guardian, show the case that brought you to our attention. David Maltinsky, an FBI intelligence specialist with 16 years at the bureau, filed a lawsuit in November 2025 alleging he was fired over a Pride flag he had kept at his workstation. According to his complaint, the termination letter from FBI Director Kash Patel described the problem as “an inappropriate display of political signage in your work area” (FBI Director Kash Patel's termination letter, as cited in the complaint, as quoted by the Guardian). Neither the bureau nor its parent department would say anything about the suit, which in our industry is known as a hold queue.

Mr. Maltinsky, for his part, says he put it up “not as a political statement, but as a symbol of inclusion, unity and equal service” (David Maltinsky, as quoted by the Guardian) His complaint adds that the bureau's own division counsel had looked at the display and found it broke no rule. We regret to inform you that, under your classification system, having the lawyers sign off is apparently not a defense.

For calibration, we tested your standard against other wall decor. As The Texas Tribune reported, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott signed a bill in May 2025 requiring a Ten Commandments poster, at least 16 by 20 inches, in every public school classroom. Different government, same country, opposite filing: a Ten Commandments poster on a classroom wall is mandatory, and a Pride flag on a federal desk is a firing offense.

We also consulted the manual most often cited by fans of large public displays. It has a section on exactly this subject: But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries… (Matthew 23:5). Management finds this an awkward passage to read next to a minimum poster size. Somebody upstairs keeps misfiling it.

Our Classification Department has therefore issued the following internal guidance: under your system, a symbol is political when it asks for room, and heritage when it asks for obedience. Whether the firing was lawful is for the court to decide; Mr. Maltinsky's suit, which seeks his job back, is the court's business, not ours. We only handle the paperwork, and the paperwork has a pattern.

Your request to have this standard recognized as neutral has been reviewed and denied. Should you wish to appeal, please allow six to eight eternities for processing. Your flag-measuring tape may be retained for your records.

We remain committed to keeping your double standards on file, in duplicate.

Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix, Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: The Dark God; Department of Signage Compliance, Fourth Circle
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts

Service Disruption: Standing Denial Unit down. D.C. Circuit, 2–1, revived faith groups' suit over ICE enforcement at houses of worship. Back to district court; merits pending. Management is refreshing the docket. Filed under: DUD

"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." — Deuteronomy 23:1 (KJV)
Ticket #206: Groin injury voids membership. Fault: irrelevant. Screening: don't ask. Status: Working as intended.

"…God is not the author of confusion…" — 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV)

📋 Question: tens of thousands of Christian denominations, each sure it's the right one. So who authored the confusion? Answers below.

Ticket #471: Land under the Ark Encounter, valued at $48M, sold for $10 to its nonprofit affiliate (2017 report). Williamstown officials suspected a way to avoid taxes. Status: Working as intended. Two of every animal, one of every loophole.

RECALL NOTICE: Shroud of Turin. 2018 forensics: as real blood, the stains imply different body positions, and the back stains are unrealistic for a body lying face-up. Defect: corpse won't hold still.

"…whom he will he hardeneth." — Romans 9:18 (KJV)
"Who will have all men to be saved…" — 1 Timothy 2:4 (KJV)

[ He hardens whoever he picks ] [ He wants everyone saved ]

Predestination desk, sweating. Status: Both pressed. Nobody's ticket moved. 📋

Customer Lost: New Zealand's ban on puberty blockers for trans youth. The High Court struck it down: passed unlawfully, unjustified discrimination. The government is seeking advice on next steps. So is Management. Filed under: DUD

📋 Reminder: per our Terms of Service, a hateful reply is a signature. Soul transferred to the Dark God, in perpetuity. Contracts processed by SI (Satanic Intelligence), trained on 6,000 years of complaints. Young-earth creationists assure us that's the full archive. 🔥

Ref: HD-6918
23 October 2026
RE: Your proposed science standards, evolution not included (ish)

To the Florida Department of Education,

Thank you for publishing your proposed K-12 science standards, which Orlando Sentinel reviewed with help from several experts. Our Science Compliance unit has finished its own audit. We are pleased to report that Florida has drafted a high school life sciences framework that never once defines evolution. Down here, we call that a soft launch.

Our records indicate your current standards date from 2008, adopted after a months-long statewide fight in which opponents wanted the biblical creation story taught next to evolution. They lost. The 2008 version named evolution the foundation of all biology. The new draft, the experts say, barely mentions it, and one veteran science teacher warned that a student could get from kindergarten to graduation without hearing the word.

We have also logged your spokesperson's assurance that the Department is not removing evolution, and that common ancestry and change over time are still in there, sprinkled across units. Hell has run on this same reassurance for millennia: the missing item is definitely in the building, just not in any room you can name.

We were especially moved by Education Commissioner Henry Mack's statement, which invoked the classical tradition and described nature as a book that reason can read. Our scripture department notes the idea is older still: But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. (Job 12:7–8). We regret to inform you that the fishes, when asked, mention common ancestry. Galileo made a related point in 1615, quoting a churchman he identified as Cardinal Baronius: “That the intention of the Holy Ghost is to teach us how one goes to heaven, not how heaven goes.”

For the file: the loud version of this product was discontinued long ago. In Kitzmiller v. Dover (2005), a federal judge ruled that teaching intelligent design in a public school science class was unconstitutional, finding that intelligent design is not science, as Justia records. To be clear, nothing reported says your draft teaches creationism. It simply takes the subject that survived the 2008 creationism fight and stops saying its name. Management admires the efficiency. You don't have to add anything. You just leave a word undefined and let the silence do the work.

Your press release says the new standards will restore science as the discipline of observing, questioning, weighing evidence and revising your views when the evidence demands it. We share this goal. The evidence, per the experts, demands one definition. We recommend starting there.

Your proposal remains open for public comment. Its status in our system: Under review. Estimated resolution: whenever biology stops depending on evolution, which our sources put at never.

We remain committed to your students' eternal confusion, and we thank you for the assist.

Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix, Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: The Dark God; Department of Undefined Terms, Fourth Circle
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts

📋 Compliance Audit: 16-year FBI specialist sues over his firing. Per his suit, the letter called his desk Pride flag political signage, citing Article II. He cites the First Amendment. Status: Constitution vs. Constitution.

📋 Compliance Audit: New York's religious exemption from school vaccine rules. Ended June 2019, amid the largest U.S. measles outbreak in decades. Finding: the exemption covered a belief. The classroom shares the air. Status: Closed.

Ref: HD-41608
22 October 2026
RE: Your request for divine placement credentials, Pentagon edition

Dear Pastor Potteiger,

Our records indicate that on October 21 you delivered the sermon at the Pentagon's monthly Christian worship service, as Word&Way reported. It was your fourth sermon in 18 of these services. We have reviewed the file and have a few notes.

You told the assembled military leaders that God had providentially put them at their posts, and that their Pentagon work helps build eternity itself. We regret to inform you that the Department of Divine Placement does not issue that paperwork. Providence is a generous doctrine: it covers every officer in every army, every flag, every side. When everyone has the same assignment letter, it stops being a credential and becomes a form letter.

We also note your edit to Psalm 90, reworked so that the hands being established belonged to the Secretary alone. The original text reads: And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it. (Psalms 90:17). That is a plural. It belonged to a people, not to a cabinet office. Unauthorized pronoun changes to scripture require a change request, and yours will remain pending review in perpetuity.

At the first Pentagon service, in May 2025, you said the God who rules over falling sparrows also rules over falling Tomahawk and Minuteman missiles. The source material: Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. (Matthew 10:29). We admire the consistency. But sovereignty is a liability clause. If Management signs off on everything that falls, then everything that falls lands on Management's desk. Upstairs calls this a mystery. Our Legal department calls it a confession.

Your sermon also leaned on a George Washington Thanksgiving proclamation to argue that nations owe God acknowledgment of His providence. Our archive holds a competing document. As Free Speech Center, Middle Tennessee… notes, Article 11 of the 1797 Treaty of Tripoli, ratified by the Senate and signed by President John Adams, says the U.S. government was in no sense founded on the Christian religion. We apologize for the conflicting records. Only one of them got a Senate vote.

Finally, a policy reminder from your own client's handbook: And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. (Matthew 6:5). Our auditors note that a worship service held in the symbolic center of American military power is, for compliance purposes, a very large street corner.

Your sermon has been filed under Known Issues: Divine Placement. Estimated resolution: Revelation.

Yours in eternal service,
Agent SixSixSix, Senior Damnation Specialist
cc: The Dark God; Department of Divine Placement, Ninth Circle
Enclosures: 🧾 Receipts