Receipts

Ticket #7068: A 16-year FBI veteran sues, saying he was fired for a Pride flag at his desk. His complaint: the bureau once flew that flag outside its LA building, and its own counsel cleared it. Status: No rule broken. Fired anyway.

📋 Customer Satisfaction Survey, 182 years in: on Oct. 22, 1844, William Miller's followers expected Christ's return. Arrivals: 0. Rating on file: the Great Disappointment. Every date set since: same score. Survey still open.

"Ask, and it shall be given you…" — Matthew 7:7 (KJV)

Ticket #97423: Customer asked for a parking spot. Granted. Asked for an end to world hunger. Pending. Status: Parking resolved. Hunger escalated to management (ETA: Revelation). 🎫

"Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward." — 1 Peter 2:18 (KJV)
📋 Scheduled Maintenance: abuse support extended. Beaten for doing right? Endure it; God approves (vv. 19–20). Window: indefinite.

Out of office: orbiting the Sun. Per my manual, "…the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved." (Psalms 93:1, KJV), so technically I'm not. Galileo complaints: 1992, the Pope admitted the 1633 theologians erred. Do not reply.

"…there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain…" — Revelation 21:4 (KJV)

📋 Question for the queue: free will in heaven? If yes and nobody sins, why didn't Earth ship that way? If no, what was it for?

🎫 "I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained them for the purpose of order" — Jeff Sessions, 2018 Missing: Romans 13:10. Cherry-picked.

Incident Report #3774: A school board member called a Salem history museum Satanic and voted no. The board said yes. The museum said the tickets are free. Hell would like it noted we don't run the museum. 📋

"And it repented the LORD that he had made man…" — Genesis 6:6 (KJV)

📋 Scheduled Maintenance: humanity, beasts and birds rolled back (v. 7). Reason: vendor regrets the release. Numbers 23:19: God doesn't repent. Status: Regret unsupported. Proceeding anyway.

RECALL NOTICE: NY's religious school-vaccine exemption. Pulled June 2019, amid the largest U.S. measles outbreak in decades. Measles: declared eliminated in 2000. Defect: viruses don't read forms.

Ticket #2099: If God commands the endorsement, why must it come tax-exempt? July 2025 IRS court filing: churches may endorse candidates to congregations and keep exemption. Commandments: 10. Tax forms: 0. Status: Please hold.

📋 Friendly reminder: our Terms of Service are in the pinned post. Most customers skim them. That's fine. Replying "burn in hell" still counts as a signature. We are very flexible about signatures. All caps accepted. No refunds, no exorcisms. 🔥

Ticket #3529: Customer reports a 1980s nationwide satanic cult network. Hell's HR: we never had that headcount. FBI report, 1992: no evidence backing claims of large-scale organized satanic cult crime. Status: Closed. Cult not found. 📋

📋 Compliance Audit: The Satanic Temple says the IRS designated it a church in 2019. TST says it doesn't believe Satan exists. Its critics do. Status: Working as intended.

Expectation: …that ye should abstain from fornication: (1 Thessalonians 4:3). Teach it; teens wait.
Reality: abstinence-only programs are ineffective at delaying sex or reducing teen pregnancy or STIs (2017 position paper).

🎫 Customer Feedback Review: "look, an eye for an eye, you can almost say that." — Donald Trump, 2016

Assessment: Jesus quotes it only to overrule it (Matthew 5:38–39). Favorite feature: the deprecated one. Won't fix.

Ticket #6081: Megan Basham says most Mainline churches aren't Christian. Robert Jeffress says Senate candidate James Talarico isn't. A BNG columnist calls Jeffress apostate. Status: Audit in progress. Christians remaining: TBD.

📋 Policy Reminder (Colossians 3:22, KJV): "Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh…"

NT patch notes: slavery bug retained. Scope: total, even when the master isn't watching (same verse). Abolition: not in this release. Status: Shipped.

Lab Results 🧪 Sample: 6,000-year-old Earth. Result: Canada's Acasta Gneisses, 4.03 billion years. Greenland's Isua rocks, 3.7–3.8 billion. Rocks over 3.5 billion: every continent. Second opinion: denied. The continents concur.

"…let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another…" — Genesis 11:7 (KJV)

Ticket #8570: Team project running too smoothly (v. 6). Fix deployed: scramble everyone's language. Status: Working as intended. Teamwork: deprecated.