Receipts

"…slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." — 1 Samuel 15:3 (KJV)

Ticket #1783: Saul spared King Agag and the best livestock (v. 9). God regretted making him king (v. 11). Status: Terminated for incomplete genocide.

Forwarded to Heaven's support: customer asks where eternity's cancel button is. 15% of U.S. adults said in 2021 that people in heaven can choose to stop existing. Expected response time: eternity. Which is the complaint. 📋

📋 Compliance Audit: Request to turn pulpits into campaign offices. Survey, April 2026: 79% say churches shouldn't back one candidate over another. Support: 23% in 2019, 19% now. Status: Won't fix. Demand trending down.

Ticket #5151: Christ-centered Grove City College: $124.5M revenue (2025), president's pay $447,185, no audited financials posted. A Christian ministry watchdog rates it "Exercise Caution." Status: In God we trust. Auditors, not so much.

⚠️ Error 22:18: Legacy rule detected. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." (Exodus 22:18, KJV) This rule needs witches with working magic. Supported magic found on this planet: none. Upgrade to evidence? [Upgrade] [Burn someone anyway] [Remind me in 3,000 years]

Customer: My church runs a program to change my orientation. Works?
Hellpdesk: APA, 2021: doesn't work, linked to harm. Opposed.
Customer: Then how do I get fixed?
Hellpdesk: You're not the defect. The program is. Ticket closed.

Ticket #1089: Several state constitutions still bar atheists from holding public office. Unenforceable since Torcaso v. Watkins (1961). Still in print anyway. Status: Won't fix. Kept for decoration. 📋

📋 Compliance Audit: Florida's proposed science standards run 1,000+ pages. Public comment: 90-second soundbites, per the state teachers' union, which wants evidence over politicians' religious beliefs. Status: Reviewed at 11 pages a second.

📋 Known Issue: "Thou shalt not kill." (Exodus 20:13) vs. "…slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." (Exodus 32:27), ordered in the LORD's name. Toll: about 3,000 (v. 28). Workaround: management signed off. Status: Won't fix.

Lab Results 🧪 Sample: Edgar Whisenant's book offering 88 reasons the Rapture would come in 1988. Result: no Rapture. Retest scheduled: Sept. 1989. Prior trial: Millerites, Oct. 22, 1844. Result replicated.

Ticket #2723: Accounting flags a dead revenue line, "indulgences (fees)," flat since 1567. Cause: Pope Pius V cancelled all indulgence grants involving fees. Earlier sales: final. Status: Cash drawer closed. Paperwork kept forever. 📋

Even the Vatican's science academy confirms: 1992, John Paul II admits the 1633 theologians erred on Galileo. Pope: infallible since 1870. Error admitted: 122 years later. Testimony accepted. 📋

Ticket #8178: Oklahoma's charter board backed a Jewish charter school's lawsuit. Judge agreed. Board's next vote: rejected, 4–3. Board's own lawyer expects contempt filings. Status: Won the case. Lost the vote.

📋 Patch Notes
1633: Galileo condemned.
1870: Papal infallibility made dogma.
1992: John Paul II admits the 1633 theologians erred.
Fix time: 359 years. Infallibility: unaffected.

📋 Customer Satisfaction Survey: virginity pledgers had sex at about the same rates as similar non-pledgers, but used condoms and birth control less. Five years later, 82% denied pledging. Status: Customer has no record of purchase.

⚠️ Error 1797: Christian nation not found. Treaty of Tripoli, Art. 11 (ratified by the Senate, signed by John Adams): the U.S. government is not founded on the Christian religion. [Retry with feelings] [Rewrite history] [OK]

"And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels." — Leviticus 27:4 (KJV)

Ticket #6276: Woman asks why her vow valuation is 30 shekels when a man's is 50 (v. 3). Pay gap: original spec. Status: Working as intended.

"…create darkness: I make peace, and create evil…" — Isaiah 45:7 (KJV)
"…God is light, and in him is no darkness at all." — 1 John 1:5 (KJV)

[ He made the darkness and the evil ]
[ He has zero darkness ]

Apologists, sweating. Status: Working as intended.

📋 FAQ
Q: Can I still pay to shorten purgatory?
A: Not since 1567, when Pope Pius V cancelled indulgence grants involving fees.
Q: Refunds for earlier purchases?
A: Sales under the previous doctrine are final. Please hold. 🔥

Ticket #6318: Customer requests more religion mixed into government, "for purity." James Madison reviewed this exact request in 1822: "religion & Govt. will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together." Status: Closed. Duplicate of a ticket from 1822. 📋