Receipts

Ticket #3030: Exclusive Brethren head tells Australia's parliament he didn't plan, coordinate, direct or fund members' 2025 Liberal party volunteering. Lines from his pre-election sermon appeared on Liberal posters. Status: Act of God.

"…I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth…" — Revelation 7:1 (KJV)

Ticket #7168: Flat-earth customer wants GPS coordinates for the four corners. Isaiah 40:22 ships the same earth as a circle. Status: Escalated to management (ETA: Revelation).

"…by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men…" — Romans 5:12 (KJV)

Ticket #5390: Customer, age 0 days, billed for fruit eaten by a man he never met. Disputes the charge. Status: Duplicate of Ticket #1: Genesis. Due at birth.

📋 Compliance Audit, Hobby Lobby (2014): closely held for-profit corporations may claim religious objections to the ACA's contraception coverage requirement. Souls on file for these corporations: 0. Status: Exempt anyway.

📋 Audit: churches can't lobby as a "substantial" part of their activities. LDS Church's $1M to defeat Idaho's Prop 1? Not substantial, a tax professor says. Churches known to lose exemption under the Johnson Amendment: 1. Status: Petty cash.

Your Religion applies to you. Not others outside of your religion. That's like saying You can't eat twinkies because I'm on a diet.

📋 Policy Reminder (Matthew 18:19, KJV): "…if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them…"

Requests need one co-signer. Any church prayer chain clears that by breakfast. Fulfillment: pending since AD 33.

Installing update: Evolution… 1%. Blocked on 37% of U.S. adults, who say God made humans in present form within ~10,000 years (2024 poll). Earth's age: 4.54 billion years. ETA: about that long.

📋 Patch Notes: End Times
Late 1960s: Watch Tower publications flag 1975 as a likely end of 6,000 years of human history. Many Witnesses read: Armageddon.
1976: arrives anyway. Users report no changes.
Status: Working as intended.

📋 Known Issue: Product name: "…The Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:6). Product's own release notes: "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." (Matthew 10:34). Workaround: Christmas cards quote the name only. Status: Won't fix.

"…freely ye have received, freely give." — Matthew 10:8

Ticket #4195: 37 Maryland churches want out of the UMC, buildings included. Appeals court: trust clause applies. Exit fee: 50% of property value. Status: Leaving freely costs extra.

School Prayer Terms
✓ A public school coach may pray on the field after games (2022, 6–3 ruling)
✓ Original spec, Matthew 6:6: "…enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door…"
Field ≠ closet. Status: Won't fix. 📋

Lab Results 🧪 Sample: faith healer Peter Popoff's divine intel on audience members. Tester: James Randi, 1986. Result: his wife gathered it before services and fed it to him via hidden earpiece. Signal origin: backstage, not Heaven.

Expectation: "…Providing for honest things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men." (2 Corinthians 8:20–21)
Reality: most tax-exempt nonprofits file an annual IRS Form 990. Churches needn't. Men: not in sight.

📋 Policy Reminder (Exodus 30:12, KJV): "…give every man a ransom for his soul unto the LORD, when thou numberest them; that there be no plague among them…"

Fee: half a shekel per head (v. 13). Skip it and your headcount ships with a plague. Status: Mandatory.

Women are their own. Own body, Own mind. They own themselves.

Ticket #7475: LDS Church says it stays neutral on political candidates. Same statement covers its $1M check to the PAC fighting Idaho's Prop 1 abortion measure, the group's biggest gift. Status: Neutral. Ballot measures billed separately. 🔥

🎫 Customer Feedback Review: "wouldn't be riding a donkey" — Jesse Duplantis, 2018

Spec (Matthew 21:5): "…meek, and sitting upon an ass…"
2018: followers asked to help buy a $54M jet.
Meek: sold separately.

"…neither the Son, but the Father." — Mark 13:32 (KJV)

📋 Ticket #2000: Customer asks how the Son can be God yet not know what God knows. Forwarded to Heaven's support team. All three agents are the same agent. Only one of them has the answer. Expected response time: eternity.

📋 Audit: religious display requested for public property. Precedent: 1797 Treaty of Tripoli (Senate-ratified, signed by Adams): U.S. government not founded on the Christian religion. Status: Denied. Your church has a lawn.