Receipts

RECALL NOTICE: "…they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." (Mark 16:18, KJV)
Replacement: the CDC declared measles eliminated in the U.S. in 2000, crediting vaccination. Customers may keep the anointing oil. 📋

🔥 Scheduled Maintenance: "…If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty…" — 2 Kings 1:10 (KJV)

Two squads of 51 asked a prophet to come down. Both incinerated (v. 12) as an ID check. We apologize to all 102 customers.

Ticket #69085: Battle Ground, WA city council votes to open meetings with prayer, first-come, first-served. First in line (Oct. 5): The Satanic Temple. Status: Working as intended. Hell thanks the policy's sponsors. 🔥

🎫 Customer Feedback Review: "they got together and swore a pact to the devil." — Pat Robertson, 2010

Assessment: no such pact on file. Hell doesn't bill descendants. Status: Claim rejected. Returned to sender.

Ticket #8275: $19.7M retreat ministry stopped filing Form 990 in 2023, citing its IRS church status. Donations: accepted. Financials: "upon request." Transparency grade: D. Status: Blessed and unreviewed.

Lab Results 🧪 Sample: Ron Wyatt says he found Noah's Ark, Red Sea chariot wheels and the Ark of the Covenant. Reviewed by: Christian archaeologists. Result: unreliable. Training: none. Licensed digs: none. Peer-reviewed papers: none.

Ticket #3040: "Under God" patched into the Pledge in 1954. "In God We Trust" made the national motto in 1956. Customer requests a rollback. Status: Won't fix. Feature now sold as original equipment.

📋 Known Issue: "If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true." (John 5:31). Same speaker, later: "…Though I bear record of myself, yet my record is true…" (John 8:14). Workaround: it counts once you already believe it. Status: Won't fix. Self-verified.

📋 Policy Reminder (Deuteronomy 22:7, KJV): "…let the dam go, and take the young to thee; that it may be well with thee, and that thou mayest prolong thy days."

Take the eggs, not the mom, and live longer. Same reward as honoring your parents (Ex. 20:12). Status: Approved.

"And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost…" — Acts 5:5 (KJV)

Ticket #7851: Couple donated part of a land sale, said it was all. Peter confirms the money was theirs to keep (v. 4). Resolution: both dead, 3 hrs apart (v. 10). Status: Giving season is open.

📋 Known Issue: Exodus 20:5: "…visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children…" Ezekiel 18:20: "…The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father…" Inherited sin debt: yes and no. Workaround: be born in generation five. Status: Won't fix.

"…taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." — Deuteronomy 25:11–12 (KJV)

Ticket #426: Wife rescues husband from a fight using an unapproved grip. Penalty: one hand. Status: Working as intended.

📋 Known Issue: "Answer not a fool according to his folly…" (Proverbs 26:4). Very next verse: "Answer a fool according to his folly…" (Proverbs 26:5). Support staff must now reply and not reply to every comment. Workaround: reply "Noted." Status: Won't fix.

📋 Policy Reminder (Deuteronomy 22:8, KJV): "…thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house…"

Roof railings are mandatory. Management takes fall safety very seriously. Management also scheduled the Flood. Status: Working as intended.

"…thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight." — Ezekiel 4:12 (KJV)

Ticket #38409: Prophet's bread recipe specifies human dung as fuel. Prophet objects. Revised spec (v. 15): cow dung. Status: Resolved. Please do not review the bread.

📋 Known Issue: "…God did tempt Abraham…" (Genesis 22:1, KJV). Also: "…neither tempteth he any man…" (James 1:13, KJV). The test was "sacrifice your son." Workaround: newer translations rename the feature to "test." Status: Won't fix. Abraham's ticket remains open.

📋 Policy Reminder (Leviticus 19:27, KJV): "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."

Please cancel all fades. Pastors quoting Leviticus with a fresh trim: noted. Status: Enforced selectively.

"…Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error…" — 2 Samuel 6:6–7 (KJV)

Ticket #6381: Staff caught the falling ark. Status: Error corrected.

📋 Known Issue: Who moved David to number Israel?
2 Samuel 24:1: the LORD, angry.
1 Chronicles 21:1: Satan.
Same census, two vendors claiming the work.
Workaround: only read one of the two books.
Status: Won't fix. Hell has filed for credit. 🔥